Isn't everyone lonely and feeling without support sometimes? And aren't the teen years the key years for these feelings? True, but if your child seems to wallow in these, you may be looking at situation that requires more than a new shirt from the mall or an ice cream.

Dissecting Loneliness

Loneliness is not an illness nor is it unique. But when a girl faces extreme loneliness, it can be harmful in many ways. When your girl was little, you most likely made a point of making sure she had playmates. Playgroup, craft time, story time at the local library, and even preschool were ways for you to surround her with different types of interesting children to get to know and hopefully, befriend. Now, you feel at a loss. No longer can you “force” playtime or peer groups on her. As adolescence begins, it is her time to reach out and make relationships happen. So what if she cannot? Different things can get in the way: shyness, a change in friend groups, and even the organization of classes in school can all shift her friend landscape. She can be left feeling alone and lonely.

School-Related Loneliness

School is a virtual sea of possible human contact, and yet, it can be a place where loneliness strikes a girl hard. At school, girls are at an age when a bad hair day or a different choice of attire can ostracize her for a good long time. Of course this is wrong, but telling your daughter that is not enough. If you find she is not feeling part of the program at school (and she does not have to be in the “popular crowd” — a few good friends and a feeling of belonging is enough) that warrants a talk with the school guidance counselor. Often, counselors can help clue you in on what might be going on and what you can do to help (although do expect some frustration; they cannot tell you everything).

Even the most “popular” girls can be lonely at school. She might be putting on a front to keep her “friends” and therefore feel no one truly knows her; she might have been one of the “mean girls” only to find herself — to her horror — quickly on the other side of that meanness. Don't assume your daughter will find her way on her own. Talk to her about how everyone feels alone at times and what it takes to reach to others in order to feel a connection to someone. It's a valuable life tool. And remember to drive home that point: a person who has five good, solid friends during his or her lifetime is truly a blessed person. Even adults have times of loneliness.

Loneliness under Your Nose

Loneliness can happen right at home too. Your girl, who once was always the center of the chats at dinner or the laughter at a family movie night, now retreats to her room. She mopes around the house, only coming out to get a cold drink or use a bathroom. The child who once had to be herded up to bed because she loved hanging out with you so much now has to be dragged into even the slightest of conversations.

Make sure your daughter knows you are always there for her. Many parents report that it is during the teen years, even more so than the baby years, that a child truly needs to feel a parent's presence. If you work full-time, schedule a daily after-school phone chat with her each day. Even if it is only for ten minutes, pen it into your schedule and stick to it. And make sure she knows, that if something comes up and she truly needs your physical presence, she always comes first in your life. Depend on your parent-radar too. If you suspect she feels alone too much (this can often happen when an older sibling leaves for college, making the after-school hours feel all the more hollow), find a way to fill her time, with sports, a regular visit to a good friend's house, or a shift in your work hours.

Online Is No Substitute

She says she's lonely, she barely talks to the family, and yet you hear her tapping on the keyboard constantly. Don't let an online social life fool you or her: this is no replacement for good old-fashioned face-to-face conversations and friendships, despite what the twenty-first century teen may think. If you find your daughter is retreating more and more into an online social world, limit her time there and force her to deal with people face-to-face. Limiting chatting and talking to typing and not face-to-face communication starves a child of human contact, something everyone needs to grow and thrive. Force her to be part of the real world, not just the cyber world. And here's a warning: lonely teen girls are the perfect prey for online predators. Be vigilant about whom she talks to and how often (for more of this see Chapter 13).