So if something as simple as doing your hair “wrong” or choosing a unique outfit can cause drama (and even trauma) in the lunchroom and elsewhere, how is a teen girl supposed to avoid anxiety? The answer is simple: she cannot. Everyone feels anxious from time to time. It's human nature. However, you should watch closely how she copes with and processes anxiety.

What It's About

Anxiety can be over many things: grades (or lack of good grades), popularity, boys, making (or not making) a team, how she looks, and how she is perceived. Learning how to channel all this in the right way is part of growing up. If only all girls could know how therapeutic a good, open talk with a parent (or another older more knowing adult) can be, you'd both be a step ahead. And yet, girls like to push back. In some cases, it is girls who do not want to let their parents down and “show weakness” who might stress the most. Bottled up worries do indeed spill over.

In the case of these types of issues, it's fine to share your own daily anxieties with your daughter. It might be refreshing for her to know you stress over the possibility of not making a deadline or the idea of not being invited to a certain social event. But let her know, too, how you work around it. Good planning for things that can be controlled, and knowing how to prioritize what really matters for things that cannot be controlled (like certain social situations) can be ways you can set good and visible examples.

When It's a Serious Matter

But what if your child experiences anxiety over things she cannot control (like weather) or in a way that is uncontrollable? You may be facing an anxiety disorder situation. Anxiety disorders are more common than most know (and for those who do experience it or have a child experience it, it's like pregnancy — you never notice how many pregnant women there are around you until you are one yourself). Anxiety disorders include general anxiety disorder (GAD), obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), phobias, post traumatic stress disorder, and panic disorder. GAD presents itself as excessive worry, anxiety, and apprehension on most days for a period of six months or more.

OCD is characterized by constant intrusive thoughts and intense, repetitive behaviors related to the thoughts, both of which take up much of the teen's time. The most common of these obsessions involves dirtiness, while common compulsions include frequent hand washing, using tissues or gloved hands to touch things, constant checking, and counting behaviors. Phobias can be specific — spiders, snakes, heights, tight spaces — or social. Social phobia is the persistent and substantial fear of one or more social situations in which one is exposed to unfamiliar people or scrutiny by others. Social phobia can cause significant anxiety, even panic. Signs of a panic attack include shortness of breath, shaking, fear of losing control, and feeling faint. Often, puberty (and the surge in hormones) can be a time when this truly chemical imbalance presents itself.

Not all girls who suffer from anxiety disorders require medications, but some do. Work with your medical team and your child to find what works best for her. Don't turn to a prescription as an easy out (many counselors teach things like breathing exercises and visualizations as a way to cope) but if they are needed in the end, think of them the same as a cast. Would you deny your daughter what she needed to heal a broken leg?