Are "Good" Talks a Myth?
You've seen them on television and the movies, and you've heard friends describe them. A teen girl is grappling with an issue, and she knows to sit down and go over it quietly and calmly with her parent. Or a parent senses something is amiss and is able to have a reasonable discussion complete with agreed upon conclusion about it with the teen. Does this really happen in life? Only with incredible insight, great planning, and perhaps a bit of luck.
As parents move toward this era of uncomfortable talks, they will want to look first toward their own relationships and how they communicate there before expecting success with their daughter. Do you and your spouse/significant other or even your own parent communicate in a way that is mature, respectful, and reasonable? In many cases there, the answer is no.
Parents who struggle with communication in those areas need to take heed of that old punch line: “I've seen the future, and all I can say is, go back.” While you may want to think: this is my chance to start fresh, the way your daughter has seen you act and the results (or lack of) she's witnessed may taint her from being open to good communication with you.
Alert
Of course, you cannot change the past in a snap, but acknowledging past problems, such as a lack of good communication with your own parent, will at least show your daughter that you understand something was amiss and would like to change it.
In the case of communication with a spouse or significant other, if you've been prone to yelling, cutting one another off, or worse, not speaking for hours and even days after a hot issue is discussed, it is now time for you to fix that. Discuss ground rules as parents. Agree never to loudly or visibly disagree in front of the children.
At the same time, don't be Pollyanna. Show them that you can compromise and that even if one of you has to compromise, in the end, you both end up happy for the sake of the relationship. Sound too tough to tackle? Then it's not a bad idea to call in the counselor. You'll want to go into these teen years with the rest of your relationship stronger than ever so you can work through this together.
Chances are, your daughter will be a mix of a jealous girl who thinks some of her other friends' parents are just so easy to talk to and of a girl who'd rather just be left alone. She sways from wanting to be able to share with you (after all, she does love you and deep down needs your support and advice) to being disgusted with even the notion of sharing anything uncomfortable with you. It's up to you to find a middle ground there that not only works for her internally, but works for both of you as she grows.
Essential
It's always important to remind your daughter that relationships are like snowflakes: no two are alike. Yours is unique and requires its own special care. Expectations from her modeled on another girl's with her parents are not good to hold onto.
The first step here goes back to that “Cool Mom” concept. Your daughter may be under the assumption that some other girls (perhaps most other girls) have relationships with their mothers and fathers that are never strained and always open and helpful.
While you cannot “rat out” another mom for perhaps not being as “cool” as your daughter perceives, you can passively show her that strains in communication are the norm. Encourage her to read a magazine article or book chapter that addresses it. Show her that you are not alone.
So she expects you to listen when she needs you to (such as, “Can I have a ride to the mall?” or “Do you have $20?”) but be willing not to share when she's uncomfortable or hiding something (such as boyfriend and body issues or problems with friends). It will be key for you to break past these notions early on. While you should not force her to talk, you should try to maintain open lines of communication.
In most cases — and it is hard not to lean toward stereotypical here — the mom is more of the rule enforcer and disciplinarian in the family. Girls have communication expectations with their mom, and communication issues as well. It's hard to get a girl to sit down and talk frankly with you if they know you are always going to do what is best for her (who doesn't want to do what is more fun or less painful instead?).
Moms will want to do two things: make sure her spouse or significant other shares in discipline duties (and always backs her up!) and always offer up a safe time for communication. Make sure there is a place and time at least weekly, and even more often, where your daughter knows she can dive into some discussion issues if needed. Even if she doesn't have something key to talk about, just talking at all keeps that door open.
Mom's can have their own expectations too. Hey, you were a teen girl once, and you saw and learned a lot. You want to share with her your successes and pratfalls, and help her to be a better person from them. Just don't expect her to really get that you were once that girl. Here, photos and stories can help. Show her who you were; talk about what you did. Show her that you had dreams; some realized, some dashed, and some realigned.
Make yourself a real, live human in her eyes. Somewhere deep down, she might actually realize you weren't always 230 years old.
What if my daughter barely speaks to me?
Just keep talking to her. No matter how distant or quiet she is, keep communication rolling. Talk about a book, a movie, her school; anything to keep her hearing you and responding in some way.
It's easy for a dad to feel out of the loop when it comes to communicating with his girl. Some things are not easy to discuss with the opposite sex, and the stereotype of the dad at the door with a shotgun to meet the date isn't all that old. Today's dads can set patterns with their girls that break that mold.
Even if you work often or travel a lot, have a weekly time when it's just you two, talking about nothing or everything. If she pushes back and wants to stop the practice, don't let her. Go out for lunch or a beach walk or whatever you like to do in your town. But do it in a way that you can talk as long as you want.
Dads need to be wary of manipulation though. Girls know they cast a special spell over their fathers, and know how to use it. Be sure in your communication to not make any promises or set new rules that you have not talked over with your spouse.
But dads can have “good talks” with their girls. Share with them the male perspective and respect their privacy when they need it. They will only be the better for it.
