Watching Criticism
It is easy to let words slip that are harmful to your son's self-esteem. You might be focused more on the outcome than on the effort, or maybe you're angry over something that has happened, like a poor grade on his report card. Criticism is necessary, but it hurts. There are ways for you to make your point without hurting your son's self-esteem.
Criticism is typically a negative force both on the surface and below. When you criticize inappropriately, you actually tear down your son's self-esteem. It cuts deeply for your son because of his trust and love for you, more than do the hurtful words of others.
There is a time and a place for positive, constructive criticism. The difference is that in constructive criticism you are trying to build your son up, not tear him down.
Build up the potential and accentuate the positive: “You are really a very smart kid, I know you can do better on your exam. Maybe a bit more preparation will help you next time.” Don't focus on the negative: “You are so stupid, you can't even pass a silly English test.”
Criticism can be verbal, but you can also convey your criticism through your attitude toward him, such as through excessive punishments to prove a point or teach a lesson. Every negative act you take toward your son is potentially harmful. Be careful and think about every word that comes out of your mouth.
Your home needs to be a safe place, a place that is free of hurtful statements and criticism. This can be hard to do. If you find that you say something to your child that is harmful or hurtful, apologize. Be real and explain what happened when you apologize. Show your son that mistakes happen and negative things are sometimes said, but that if you honestly made a mistake you can ask for and hopefully receive forgiveness.
Essential
As he pushes the boundaries, your son will push your buttons. Be sure you have an exit strategy; take a timeout before dealing out your punishment or imparting your wise words. Your son can learn to handle his anger by watching you.
Just because you need to be wary of what you say or do near your son doesn't mean that he never needs to be redirected or punished. You simply need to do it in a way that helps him grow rather than tears him down. Again, setting a good example is the best way to teach him.
Essential
If you don't do your homework, you get a bad grade. This lesson is one that is hard to learn when you're falling on your face. You cannot save your son from these consequences. They have to be learned, hopefully only one time.
Set your son up with situations that allow him to grow and learn. You can use role-playing, but also show him how to mend broken fences in real life. Positive criticism is a way to show him that you care and that while he has made mistakes, there is a lesson to be learned to help prevent him from making more mistakes. Remind him that failures aren't always a bad thing, and that every lesson in life can be a positive one if turned around and learned from.
