Dealing with an Overachiever
While it sounds like a wonderful predicament to find yourself in, being the parent of an overachiever presents unique challenges.
Overachievers may be driven to perfection. How do you know if your son is an overachiever versus someone who works very hard?
One of the best ways to figure out if your son is merely working hard is to see how he responds to failures. Is his reaction proportionate to the problem? Does he think he can make changes in the future and do better next time or does he believe that his chances at an Ivy League school just went out the window with his latest AP calculus exam?
If your son has trouble figuring out where to be truly upset and where to buckle down and work harder, you may have a problem. You should try to see how pervasive this problem is. Is he this way only in school or does it also affect his life in sports, music, or other activities? The more areas of his life that are affected by this perfectionism, the bigger your problem.
Fact
According to a UCLA Higher Education Research Institute study of 400,000 college freshman, about two-thirds reported spending an hour or less a night on homework. Children may not be as overworked as they think.
While it may appear that a kid who is doing well has everything to live for, the research paints a very different picture of overachievers, who displayed increased rates of:
Depression
Eating disorders
Suicidal thoughts and actions
Teach your son how to deal with his ideas and perceptions and how to handle them in a way that is not self-destructive. He needs to know that failures can breed success; mistakes are expected and present learning opportunities.
School can be a huge source of problems. Teens may have trouble with academics or with their teachers or peers. The problems can begin to compound if they aren't addressed.
The extent of the problems varies based on your son and the school. If you spot problems, it is always easier to deal with them right away rather than wait for them to explode.
Let your son try to resolve his school problems on his own. You are his secret weapon, only called out in the final stages when nothing else is working. Even if you are called in, remember that if your son is in the wrong, he is wrong. You both need to realize you cannot save him.
Essential
Some teens are so excited by all the possibilities at high school that they try to do it all. This can be the downfall of many a well-meaning teen. Help your son find a happy medium.
Your son's social network or lack of it may cause problems for him in school. If your son is having problems with others, stay out of the fights. This does not mean you can't be involved in helping your son actively solve the problems, but do so from the sidelines. Also be leery of ever taking sides or disparaging his friends; when or if they make up, your words will hang in his ears for a long time.
You can help your son with a lack of peer relations by being available. Some parents enforce a rule that their son will be involved in at least one after-school activity. This exposes your son to other people his age. It also allows you to know something about who he is hanging out with during these hours.
You can influence these activities by making suggestions, but allow your son to have the final say. Once he does begin to attend, ask questions about the other kids. Be open to him inviting people into your home. This allows you to see the interaction and meet the other kids.
Having positive friendships outside of school can help your son realize that not everyone is like his peers at school. For kids who are very school-oriented, outside friendships can provide a new perspective and the opportunity to get to know different people.
