How to Fight
The naked truth is that at some point you will probably argue with your son. The argument may be over something big or something small. In the end, you may not even remember what you were arguing about, though you remember fighting.
The Rules of Arguments
Most parents understand that arguments are inevitable. How soon they happen, how often they happen, and how long they last are completely different for everyone. While you can't control some arguments, others are completely within your control. By learning to minimize arguments ahead of time, you can spare you and your son some heartache.
Fact
Don't pick fights. Sometimes it's easy to do if you've had a rotten day or your son is doing something that annoys you. Remember that you are the adult in this situation and you have to be the one to step back.
It is best to fight fairly. Have rules for both you and your son to follow when you fight. The following is a nice starter list of rules, but be sure to add to it as you need to for your unique family situation:
Be respectful
Do not yell
Do not engage in name-calling
No physical violence is permitted
Use active listening skills
Keep discussions on topic
Don't bring up the past
Be open; neither of you can read minds
Use “I” statements to own your feelings and thoughts
Adhering to these rules can help protect both you and your son from saying things you don't mean and making the problem worse.
Minimize Arguments
While you cannot avoid all conflict, there are things that you can do to help minimize it. The family unit has to agree upon it together in order for it to work.
Essential
The punishment should always fit the crime. You need to remember that the consequences are logical or natural and should be appropriate for the infraction. When this doesn't happen, your son rarely learns the lesson.
The first step is to call a family meeting. At this meeting, work hard to come up with a list of possible, realistic infractions. Then work together as a family to come up with a list of consequences for each infraction.
Writing the rules down before a conflict arises allows everyone a chance to participate in the decision-making and shows your son you care about his thoughts and feelings. It also allows everyone to decide on the consequences while there is no conflict. This means that people are less likely to be angry and the decisions are likely to be more sound.
Finally, writing rules down in advance also gives everyone ownership of the rules, making it more likely that your children will follow them, or if they break them, more likely to willingly accept responsibility and the consequences.
Individualized Discipline
Not every form of discipline will work for every child. For example, if your son doesn't like to watch television, removing the ability to watch television isn't going to bother him. The same goes for the boy who likes to be alone in his room; it is not a punishment to be sent to his room. Keep the child in mind when deciding the consequences. If your kids cry foul, simply explain that everyone needs an individualized plan for consequences.
