Sexual Orientation
Sexual orientation relates to whom you find attractive and wish to have sexual relationships with. Most people refer to this as heterosexuality, homosexuality, or bisexuality. The teenage years are a time when many boys will question their sexual orientation, no matter what it is. Your response is critical to helping your son grow.
Labeling teen sexuality is difficult, as some young teen boys may occasionally feel attracted to other males, yet not be homosexual. Others know they are gay. A 1995 Massachusetts Youth Risk Behavior Survey found that 2.5 percent of youth self-identified as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Your son's disclosure can be traumatic for you, and it is common for parents to feel a sense of loss when they learn their son is gay. You may even go through Dr. Kubler-Ross's stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally, acceptance.
Alert
If your son is gay, you are not alone! There are other parents who can help you sort through your questions. Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (
Acceptance is critical, as your son needs your love and recognition to help him succeed in a society that can be very cruel to him because of his sexual orientation. He may face problems such as anti-gay harassment and violence. Gay teens also have a higher risk of suicide, and they are at risk for HIV and eating disorders. Therefore, your son needs to know that you will be there for him unconditionally. For help on how to talk to your son, talk to your health care provider or go to
You must identify your own feelings and deal with them, but the most important thing for you to do immediately is to confirm to your son that you love him. Tell him that nothing that he can ever do or say will change the way you feel about him. He needs to hear this from you now and often in the future, as do all children.
Homosexuality involves an intricate mixture of biological, genetic, and social factors. Being gay is not a choice, nor is it anyone's fault, least of all your son's.
Some young men are confused about their sexuality. They may have strong feelings toward other young men, but also like young women. Sometimes this is a natural part of growing up and dealing with hormones. The huge hormonal fluctuations can make your son attracted to many people. This may or may not mean he is gay, and he will figure out his sexual orientation in time.
It is important that you not try to change your son. Reparative therapy can be very harmful and will not “cure” homosexuality. However, therapy with a trained and skilled therapist who has experience with gay teens can help your son through a confusing and difficult time. Gay teens are more likely to commit suicide and be depressed than other teens. With your support and the professional support that you find, your son has a much better chance of not becoming one of those statistics. Talk to your son about sex and about special problems he may face, like discrimination.
