The Terrific Twos
In the past, the period between twenty-four months and thirtysix months in a child's life used to be called “the terrible twos” because with the development of a child's ability to speak, she could suddenly seem much more demanding — and at quite a loud volume. Furthermore, this was the same time when most parents were ready for a little respite from the nonstop baby care and suddenly their quiet and easily pacified bundle of joy turned into a little person who banged the top of her high chair with her fist, wanted something now, and kept asking for it until she got it. If this took a little while, she stomped her feet and screamed so loud it made their heads ring.
Your Two-Year-Old's World
The reason for the terrible twos perception was that many parents did not understand the normal stages of their child's development. At approximately two years of age, the child sees her world opening up with so much on the horizon that she cannot yet have. By then she has also learned that her parents can be manipulated by simply showing her displeasure — and the more obvious the better. Now she can use many words, but she doesn't necessarily understand their meanings. All she is good at is making demands. Plus, she is filled with questions and fires them off, one after the other. Also, while she has developed either left- or right-hand dominance by now and can undo her buttons and untie her shoes, she cannot yet close her buttons or tie her laces. Nor can she do other things that seem so simple to adults. So she is boiling over with frustration and impatience.
Question
Ever since my little girl turned two, she refuses to do anything I tell her. What am I doing wrong?
Nothing, but age two is a hard time for a child and her parents. Remember she is not intentionally trying to be rebellious or defiant. She is just trying to express her growing independence, but she doesn't yet have adequate verbal skills to do so. Know that this won't last and that your little girl will outgrow this phase.
Be Prepared
None of these characteristics are negative, however, unless the parent is not prepared. In fact, your little girl's demanding attitude and hurry-up manner are an opportunity to teach her how to act acceptably. All you have to do is expect her increased impatience, demands, and questioning and have a plan to deal with them. Slowly and surely, you will make progress with her.
What helps is that by now your daughter has learned to follow simple instructions. Therefore, make your instructions to her as simple and to the point as you can and expect them to be followed. No explanations need to be given about why you want her to drink her milk or get her coat besides, “Because I said so.” In years to come you will want to give a reason for your instructions and rules, but now is too early for your little girl to understand whatever deeper implications there might be.
Fact
Pediatrician Dr. Alan Greene, who is on the faculty of Stanford University School of Medicine, prefers to call the terrible twos — which may begin before that age and may continue after age three — the “first adolescence” because it is the first time in a child's life when she exhibits oppositional — that is, disagreeable — behavior.
But if you give directions to your little girl in a kind but firm tone, you will get results. So, do not start screaming or moping over your hurt feelings when she balks. Your daughter does not mean to upset you. She is just going through a stage. Also there is no need for you to jump every time she expresses a wish. Calmly do what seems reasonable, after explaining to her that she has to ask nicely and not be demanding. Also, help her understand that raising her voice will not make you run to her side unless she is hurt. Only then is it all right — even necessary — to scream.
There are several practices that ensure the terrible twos turn into the terrific twos, which they can. First, be forewarned and do not take the sudden disagreeableness in your little girl as a sign you have made a mistake. Take it as an opportunity to expand your parenting skills. The following hints have been tried by many parents and they work, if you use them on a consistent basis:
Avoid asking her a question that can be answered with no, such as, “Do you want to wear the blue top?”
Give her two choices: “Would you like to wear the pink top or the yellow one?”
Have a regular routine for naps, meals, and so on, and try to stick to it each day.
If there are two things she needs to do, allow her to decide which she wants to do first, as in, “Do you want to pick up your toys first or take your bath first?”
Various other methods may occasionally work for parents of a little girl caught in the throes of the confrontational twos, but calmness and consistency always work — after a while. So keep at it.
Parenting Growth
Furthermore, discuss with other mothers and fathers what works for them and take notes. If you have an acquaintance with an exceptionally well-behaved three-year-old, ask for her cell phone number. An answer to your quick “help me” text can get you back on track. Also remember what you've tried that has the best result for you. Then roll up your sleeves, feel confident in your parenting, and enjoy this terrific time in your daughter's life. She is becoming quite a little person now with a preference to dress up and play imaginatively. Or she will line up her stuffed animals and give them a talking to. She certainly makes your coming home from work a joy every evening and gives you a reason to live. Yes, as a mom or dad of a toddler girl, you never wonder why you are here on this earth. You know your purpose is to raise this smart and beautiful little girl to the best of your ability.
In the process of rearing your daughter, you continue to grow as well. The more she challenges you with her developmental stages — some smooth, some rocky — the more chances you have to be resourceful and draw out innate parenting abilities you never even knew you possessed.
