Social Interactions
One thing that makes your preschool daughter happy is playing with other children. It may come as something of a surprise to you, but children have to learn how to play. Their earliest playmates may be the daughters and sons of your neighbors or friends, or classmates from preschool or kindergarten. If your daughter has developed a liking for one or two of them, give her a chance to trot out her toys and interact with her cohorts as often as you can arrange it. She is now at an age when she needs to play with other children, so she can learn to share.
Language and Play
Social skills are among the many things children must learn, and if you've ever tried to encourage three- or four-year-olds to share, you know how challenging the process can sometimes be. Children must learn how to get along with others and to gain a sense of what others are feeling and thinking. The process takes time and a great deal of patience and coaching from parents.
Fact
The first kindergarten, meaning “children's garden,” was started in the 1830s by Friedrich Froebel (1782–1852). He believed that children have unique needs and capabilities, and he set out to create a system of education based on that belief. Froebel is credited with recognizing the great importance of activities in a child's learning.
Very young children engage is what is called “parallel play.” That is, they tend to sit together, each playing independently. They are in the same space, and they are playing — but they are not playing together. Eventually, a child will begin to notice other children and to express curiosity about them. A little girl is likely to explore her new acquaintance by touching or poking him or by grabbing at a toy to see what he will do.
Not surprisingly, social relationships tend to work out better when a child has learned to use words. It also helps when a child has acquired some emotional skills and can read faces and body language to understand whether to approach a new person. Several studies have noted that girls tend to be more collaborative in their play; they talk and make rules together about how their game will go. Boys often form groups with a leader, and the chosen activity is usually physical.
Your daughter will need time and opportunity to practice her social skills. Be sure you offer her opportunities to be with children her own age. When things go awry (and they inevitably will), don't punish or scold. Instead, take time to explore with your daughter what happened, what made it happen, and what she could do to get a better result next time. Parents can help with the development of social skills by coaching children with their friends, rather than intervening.
Learning to Share
Learning to share is important because from birth on, children are self-centered and develop a strong desire to have things. Whenever they see something new, they want it, no matter how many stuffed animals they already have. Also from about age two on, they see the world in regard to personal ownership. They talk about “my” house (where your family lives), “my” car (the car you drive), and “my” swimming pool (where you take your little girl to splash in the water). To a little girl, her bed and her room and her toys matter — a lot. She sees these items in terms of herself, and the word mine crops up often in her conversation.
Little girls do not automatically know how to share, but they can learn quickly if you explain some basic rules to your daughter and her playmates, and use them systematically. Here are some sharing rules many parents explain to their children and their little visitors:
Do not grab another child's toy unless you get permission first. Ask every time you come over, and don't assume the permission gotten once lasts for more than one visit.
Rather than saying no when someone asks to play with your toys, give him hope. Say something like, “You can play with it next,” or “In five minutes” (while Mom sets the kitchen timer), or “Sure, if you let me play with your toy.”
Treat others as you want to be treated. That goes for their possessions, too. If you break something they own, you must offer to replace it. The same goes for them.
Change the rules as the play situations change. The main thing is to teach respect for other children and treat them as you would like to be treated.
Alert
Some little girls develop a “snobbish” attitude from early on that most often reflects the outlook of their older siblings or parent(s). They decide that they are “too good” to make friends with certain other little girls. Tell your little girl that some playmates will behave this way and that she should feel sad for them for being so misguided.
It helps when all parents agree on the sharing rules. But even if they do not, you can always inform your little girl's friends that at your house there are rules for playing with each other, inside as well as outside. Children have to learn to take turns at the swings and when hitting a ball. But what a wonderful sight it is to see your little girl and three, four, or five other children all playing peacefully and imaginatively.
Curiosity and Your Preschooler
During the preschool years, even the best little girl will struggle to comply with adult expectations. There's just too much going on in her world. You will be far more successful at setting limits, communicating, and getting along with your daughter when you take time to be curious about who she is becoming and what her world is like. Here are some things to ponder:
Preschoolers do not experience time in the same way adults do. Five minutes for you may feel like an hour for your daughter. If you expect patience, you will both be disappointed in the results.
Preschoolers are far more interested in the process than the product. You may want a painting to hang on your refrigerator. Your daughter may have found smearing the paint with her fingers satisfying enough and may never get around to the final product.
Preschoolers cannot tell fantasy from reality the way you can. If it happens on the movie screen or on television, it's “real” and no amount of debate can convince her otherwise. (This fact is a good reason to exercise caution where the media is concerned.)
Preschoolers love to ask questions. While the constant why's and how-come's can be exhausting, questions are how little children learn. Be sure to take time to listen to your daughter.
Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson said there are two stages in children's emotional development during preschool years. At two, they learn autonomy, which is why two-year-olds love the word no. At three, they begin to practice initiative, the ability to make and carry out their own plans. Both of these stages create challenges for parents. Remember that it's normal development, and it is not about you.
Curiosity about your daughter's perceptions, her feelings, and her ideas is always a good place to begin as you solve problems and face challenges together. Take time to express curiosity before passing judgment: It will always help you parent your daughter wisely.
