Keeping Communication Open
Whether your daughter is thrilled about finding herself saddled with some of your quirks or not, do not take it personally. If she does not accept everything she inherited from your side, it shows she is thinking and talking about it. In fact, it is good for a girl to reject things in you that you have not yet resolved. But usually a girl looks at life as a wonderful smorgasbord of opportunities if her mother feels that way, at least partially, and communicates these feelings.
Fact
According to the New York–based therapist Juanita Johnson, the best gift a mother can give her daughter as she develops and becomes an adult is permission to be herself. As a result, a daughter can be who she wants to be because the mother is who she wants to be.
It is your job to initiate the flow of communication after your daughter has cut it off. If you do not make the effort, both of you will feel helpless and hopeless. Give your daughter power by showing her that you are not afraid to tackle a touchy subject or whatever stands between you. It is always a sign of strength to broach a difficult topic. But verbalizing hurt feelings can be tricky.
Remember when communicating with your daughter that not only the words you choose carry weight, but also your tone of voice and facial demeanor. You never want to come across as overly critical. The written word, thought out beforehand, is much more neutral. The sharpest thorns in the hearts of grown women are the unkind words said to them by their own mothers. Make sure you do not pierce your daughter's core with careless or unkind remarks.
Light Touches
Whenever you two have a different opinion, take a deep breath and rehearse something nice to say before launching into what upsets you about your daughter.
If you cannot find the right words, you can always:
Dash off an e-mail to your daughter, send her a joke, or text her a greeting.
Chat online with her about a book that has nothing to do with your current conflict and everything to do with your determination to keep communications open.
Essential
Texting offers three functions that are of great use in parenting. First, via text you can Flext (quickly flex or change the time/date of a meeting or ask your daughter to start the dishwasher or clean up her room). Second, you can also Connext (send a daily greeting to your girl and words of praise), and finally, you can Rxt (text her to get her over a rough spot or uplift her or help her solve her problems).
If you steadfastly disagree with your daughter, write her an explanation about why you feel the way you do. Give reasons from your life. Or draw a picture of yourself looking dejected with the caption, “Please help me understand.” Or text her a picture of the two of you having lunch while on a shopping trip with the caption: “When can we do that again?” Your hope is that during the next outing, you two will hash over what stands in the way. Do whatever you can to get your daughter to open up to you. You know that you and she speak the same language even though she may not know it yet.
Note to Mom
Encourage your daughter to communicate with you in various ways whether she is upset with you or not. She can scribble you a note when she is mad or sad. This can be her “pass,” similar to a bathroom pass her teacher hands out. Use the note over and over as a quick reminder that it is time for both of you to sit down and talk. Vary the talk stations. Talk to your girl at a place and time of her choosing. Sometimes while doing the dinner preparations or before a ticklish situation develops works best.
