Am I Pretty?
With so many false images crowding in on her, is it any wonder that your daughter asks, “Am I pretty?” Of course she is, but she needs to hear it from you over and over. Tell her in specifics how pretty she is. Recite what is so especially pretty about her: her shiny hair, her lively bright eyes, and her warm smile. Besides her pretty outer package, her inner qualities are pretty too. Tell her so, and mention her intelligence, character, and kindness — all her great potential.
See to it that your daughter does not obsess over her looks and allow her body to become her pet project by which she measures herself. The problem is that most girls have an “ugly duckling” imprint on their minds because when they first start peering at themselves in the mirror — at age nine, ten, or eleven — they may have been at their most awkward stages in their lives, as far as their looks are concerned.
Essential
Roughly 60 percent of girls — from grades five to twelve — reported being dissatisfied with their bodies. For that reason, make sure your daughter is happy with hers. Skip any empty, overused words and find plenty to compliment her about her body and all the good things she gets accomplished with her body, such as helping you around the house and excelling on the track team.
Worst Moment
Just like an image imprints itself on film, too many girls take a mental snapshot of themselves at a time when their bodies are still child-like and their teeth are misaligned, or when they have gangly arms and legs and have not yet grown into their proper height and shape. Then they cling to that snapshot like a road map to a hidden treasure and never let go of it. This mistaken imprint sets them up for a life of body discontent.
Instill in your daughter that women, like men, are so much more than their appearance. People are measured by what they accomplish, by the good they do, and not by what they look like. Did it matter what Mother Teresa or Madame Curie looked like? It is your girl's brains and bravery that will take her far. Encourage her friendship with girls and boys who possess these traits and have the qualities of drive and determination in common with your daughter.
Best Move
Of course your daughter's self-esteem will ebb and flow, like the tides. One day she will be supremely confident because she just made an A in algebra. The next day she will feel less sure of herself because she was not prepared for a Spanish pop quiz. Tell her to accept the fluctuations of her self-esteem. Show her you always esteem her unwaveringly. Prove to her that you like her company and include her friends if you can, but do not coddle her. Let her experience failure sometimes. Redoubling her efforts the next time will make her stronger. Most important, have many meaningful talks with her, and ask her a lot of questions, such as:
What do you like?
What do you think?
What do you feel?
What would you change if you could?
Alert
In a famous and often-cited scientific study, young geese tended to attach themselves to the first moving object they saw after birth, no matter if that object was animate or inanimate. As a mother, make sure you do not still carry within you the false imprint of yourself from decades ago and project your long-standing dissatisfaction with your own looks onto your daughter.
Treat your daughter's answers with respect. Value her ideas and encourage her to have many wild, wacky, and wonderful ones. They will be the basis of more thought for her. Make a list of your daughter's favorite sayings and yours, and post them. Make your daughter feel important, so that she will not feel the need to constantly seek the approval of others.
