Stepmothers, Stepfathers, and Stepsiblings
Some researchers report that one of every three Americans of any age is a member of a stepfamily. Others say it is closer to one in two, or 50 percent. That paints a rosy picture as to your chances of remarrying and of your girl getting a stepparent. The step in step-parent is assumed to come either from the Old English word steop, meaning “bereaved” or from the Indo-European root steu, meaning “fragment.” Just as a missing fragment that is found makes a thing whole, look at your chance to be a stepparent as a healing process. Think of the opportunity of adding a stepmother, stepfather, or stepsiblings — or a combination of them — as a beneficial experience for your daughter. Instead of just having one parent after the divorce, she can now have as many as four parental figures in her life, and lots of grandparents. She may have a mother who remarries, and a father who remarries. Each remarriage can also bring with it the possibility of another child — a brother or sister, or several of them, even a new baby if the remarried couple is so inclined.
Therefore, it is important to highlight your girl's chances of suddenly living and interacting closely with all these new people, each of whom can contribute much to her growth. Just be very sure your daughter is not overlooked nor feels deprived, in terms of attention or financial considerations, in the process.
Step Up
Fortunately there are now support groups for every type of stepparenting arrangement imaginable. Books on the topic and innumerable Internet resources will help you make sense out of the change in your — and your daughter's — life. Discuss these changes with your daughter far in advance. Warn her about some of the minuses that could crop up if she would let them. Tell her some of the secrets for being a successful stepdaughter. Here are a few:
She must never forget how much you love her.
She should keep a written record of perceived slights and problems, and give it to you on a regular basis. E-mailing or texting you can make this process more immediate.
She should never play the custodial parent against the noncustodial parent.
She must not get into a competition with her stepsiblings. Why should she? She stands supreme in your heart.
Fact
In the vast majority of divorces, the kids end up living with their mother. In 1990, approximately three-fourths of the children involved in custody cases were assigned to the wife. Joint custody was given in about 16 percent, and fathers received custody in 8 percent. Since then the rates of joint custody and paternal custody have risen but not that significantly.
You also have some important step-parenting strategies to keep in mind and to go by — even if you are the biological parent of the girl in the family, and your spouse and his (or her) kids are the “steps.” These strategies should include the following:
Realizing that a stepfamily is different than a first family. Your daughter may think her new father or mother will replace her old one, which can cause unrealistic expectations. Create a new family unit with new activities.
Getting over the “you're not my dad; you're not my mom” conversation. Decide that in long-term or major matters, the biological parent makes the rules. In everyday situations, whoever is in charge at the moment will handle it.
Uniting with the stepparent — as a team — and making sure the new mother or father gets a chance to spend time with your girl alone, doing meaningful or fun things.
Not expecting an instant close attachment between your daughter and her stepparent — that takes time. But she must always show respect.
Finding alone-time with your new spouse, so that you can role-model for your daughter what a good, devoted marriage looks like.
If you and your new spouse discuss whatever problems might arise in regard to your daughter before they do, you will be well prepared. Ask other successfully divorced parents of girls what they went through. Use those parents as your mentors. By being positive that you can handle the rough spots remarriage can bring and by working on smoothing them for your daughter, you will make progress. Anticipating step trouble is preferred to agonizing over it. You can either allow yourself to whine over why this had to happen to you, or you can be determined to win. The choice is yours.
Help Up
Many times one positive step forward in building your daughter's relationship with her new stepfather, stepmother, or stepsiblings can result in two steps back. Do not be discouraged. Stepfamilies are also called blended families. Just as the best qualities of two or three extraordinary coffees ground together can rise to the fore-front, so can the top talents and achievements of the individuals involved emerge in a blended family. All it takes is your attention to the desired result: your daughter's comfortable establishment and unhampered growth in the new family arrangement. This new arrangement may even play out in two places, rather than in just one home, as your daughter is used to.
