Encouragement Versus Praise
Praise is everywhere. Parents are given sheets of paper with “100 Ways to Praise your Child”; they pay children a dollar for each A on their report cards. Parents applaud every scribbled drawing as the best they've ever seen. Teachers hand out stickers, pencils, and pizza lunches for good behavior; smiley faces adorn acceptable homework papers.
Adults praise children for good reasons: They want to encourage appropriate behavior and they believe praise will build selfesteem. Unfortunately, praise is like junk food; a little bit may be acceptable, but too much can ruin your health.
The Pitfalls of Praise
Praise is usually offered when children succeed at tasks or live up to adult expectations. But what happens to the child who tries his best and always falls a little short? And what happens when children begin to need praise in order to feel valued?
In the aftermath of the tragic shootings at Columbine High School, a number of researchers became curious about what might motivate young men to carry guns into school and shoot their peers and teachers. Did they lack self-esteem? Or did they have too much self-esteem (sometimes called arrogance)? A 1998 American Psychological Association study showed that children who are given constant praise begin to depend on it for their sense of self-worth. These children need to be admired, and when they encounter someone who does not like or admire them, the researchers found, they are more likely to become aggressive.
Fact
Many school self-esteem programs are built on offering praise, even if it is undeserved. A Washington student wrote “fffifit” on an assignment, attempting to spell the word “favorite.” The teacher praised him for “the creative expression of a feeling.” Teaching him to use the dictionary would have been a better choice. Feedback should always be honest and helpful.
As you have learned, praise can have unintended consequences. Too much praise does not build competence, a sense of capability, or character.
The Magic of Encouragement
The word encouragement comes from a French word meaning to give heart to. It is easy to praise children who are behaving well, who earn awards, or who excel at school, but what do you say to your son when he is discouraged, has misbehaved, or is having a difficult day? Praise would be insincere; it is encouragement he needs.
Rudolf Dreikurs, MD, said, “Children need encouragement like a plant needs water.” (In fact, so do all humans, parents included!) You can encourage your son by noticing the small things he does well, instead of waiting until he succeeds at the entire task. For instance, you might say, “You worked really hard at getting dressed this morning. Good for you!” You can offer this encouragement even though his pants are on backward, his shirt doesn't match, and his shoes are on the wrong feet. It is encouraging to say, “Wow! You got four Bs on your report card. You must be proud of yourself.” It is not encouraging to add, “and if you just try harder next time you could get As.”
Alert
Offering encouragement can be difficult for family members who are used to pointing out problems and failings. Begin a family tradition of looking for the positive. Teach your children to compliment each other, to say thank you, and to notice what is right rather than only what is wrong. Looking for the positive encourages everyone in your family.
Encouragement says, “I see you trying, and I appreciate you.”Encouragement allows your son to feel valued and to have a sense of belonging even when he doesn't quite live up to your expectations. Encouragement builds connection — so vital to a boy's emotional health — and helps him learn from his mistakes and gather courage to try again. Encouragement also focuses on the person your son is becoming, rather than the things he can (or cannot) do. Offering loving encouragement is an effective way of nurturing your son's character.
