Hurtful Statements
There may come a time when your child will try to use words to hurt you or punish you. “You're not my real dad,” “You don't really love me,” “I hate you,” or “You just adopted me to get someone to do work around the house” are the kinds of statements or accusations your child might yell at you. Remember that the actual words your child is saying are not what are important. You both know those kinds of statements aren't true, so it doesn't make sense to spend a lot of time answering them directly. Your child may be lashing out at you because she's feeling insecure and wants you to reaffirm your forever commitment. This is especially true for children who've been abandoned or who have come through the foster care system.
Be aware that all children, adopted or biological, may say things they don't mean when angry. “I wish I'd never been born” or “I wish you were never my mother” are words teens can hurl at their parents when they're disappointed or upset at being told no.
A child who uses hurtful words may be trying to exert control, to manipulate you and your emotions. She's probably well aware that her words sting. You should calmly ask why she wants to hurt you by saying something so untrue. You may be surprised by her answer when you address this in such a direct manner. She may blink and say she's sorry or she may reveal a deep fear of being sent back to the orphanage, removed from the home, or rejected if she's bad enough.
When your child says something hurtful to you, stay calm and turn the statement or question back to her. By doing so, you model appropriate responses to words that are upsetting, show that it is not appropriate to react with anger, and demonstrate that it is important to try to understand why the words were spoken. Finally, don't get into a fight — something emotionally fragile children may try to push their parents into.
If you adopt an older child, it means that you have to accept that a piece of her heart will remain somewhere else. What she experienced and who was responsible may be locked inside and only come out when she is finally secure enough to remember. Your efforts to get your child to attach to you may allow her to feel safe in saying hurtful things. You must be strong enough to recognize her internal conflicts. This is especially true if you've adopted a child from an institution or foster care, or if your child has emotional disabilities.
