When to Search
If you and your child are in an open adoption, most of her questions may have been answered as she grew up. If the adoption was semi-open or closed to a certain degree, questions may be more difficult to answer.
Deciding when to search for a birth parent will depend on your child's age, your situation, and the way the adoption was handled. Most professionals advise that searches not be started during a crisis, such as immediately after the death of an adoptive parent or an angry, explosive episode.
Whether you adopted your child as a newborn or toddler or she didn't come home to you until she'd endured years in an institution, she will have questions and be curious about her birth family. Curiosity is normal, and does not mean you should drop everything and hire a private investigator tomorrow.
Most of the time, curiosity is best dealt with as it comes up, by answering the questions with the information you do have. It will first surface when she begins to understand biological relationships, at about age seven or eight. If you are uncomfortable with questions and curiosity about the birth family, your feelings will be noticed by your child, whether or not you actually say anything.
Don't think that she has forgotten if the questions stop. The most likely reason for her to stop asking questions is her recognition of your uncomfortable feelings on the subject and an unwillingness to hurt you.
If your child was abandoned or removed from his birth family for reasons of abuse, neglect, or criminal activity, you may be forbidden by law from searching for his birth parents while he's under eighteen or twenty-one years old (this varies by state).
By the time your child enters adolescence, you can be sure she has already thought about her adoptive status and biological family. Those thoughts will be mixed up with the normal pulling away that adolescents do to begin to establish their identities as independent adults.
Because your child might be hesitant to mention curiosity or feelings about her biological origins, you should reassure her that you understand and support her. Adoptees generally have much more satisfactory and warm relationships with parents who have been honest about their adoptions and who validate their feelings and support them at the proper time in searching.
If you adopted through foster care, it is likely the parents' rights were terminated and direct contact is forbidden during childhood. However, some child welfare agencies will serve as an intermediate contact between adoptive and biological parents if a request is made to support the emotional needs of your child. This is most typically done with a therapist's involvement.
The proper time to search for birth parents isn't the same for every child. The time will depend on the circumstances of her birth, the openness of the adoption, and the specifics of your relationship. Many experts advise parents to share the information they have with their child and then let her know that when she is an adult, she is free to locate her birth parents. Other experts believe it is appropriate to assist a teen in her search.
If your child is younger than four or five, you should wait a few years before talking about actively searching. At this point, your child isn't mature enough to understand enough to ask you to search. You should still answer questions that come up and gather or protect important information that will be useful when the time to search comes. This information should include copies of your adoption decree, her original birth certificate (if you can get it), and names and addresses of any biological relatives.
An especially vulnerable time is the mid-teens. At this age, your child may really need to find her birth parents. If your child is fourteen or fifteen and in a closed adoption, but you know her family name, you can initiate some searching, such as looking in the phone book or talking to your agency. Do this with your child and demonstrate that you are secure in the fact that you are her real family and that you understand and validate her feelings.
The National Council for Adoption (NCFA), a leading adoption group, states, “Birth parents and adult adopted persons who desire to have contact should be able to do so, when both agree. Otherwise, both should be able to control the release of their identifying information and whether and when contacts are to occur.”
If you do find your child's birth family when she's a teen, your family dynamics will become even more challenging than usual. If your child decides she'd rather live with her birth mom or dad, do not allow it, just as you wouldn't allow any other life-altering choice made by a minor child.
Most adoptees are in their late twenties or early thirties when they begin searching. They are generally female, middle class, and married. More than half of all searchers are looking for siblings or extended family members. Some adoptees never search or don't start until their fifties or sixties. When the search is delayed until late in life, it rarely results in reunion with birth parents, but it can result in a satisfying relationship with siblings and cousins.
