Helping Your Child Deal with Rejection
If your child finds his biological mother, he may fantasize that he'll be welcomed with open arms. Unfortunately, that may not happen.
Some searches don't have a happy ending, and your child must be prepared to face that fact. For example, Annette's birth mother didn't want to be found and when Annette persevered, the woman told her in no uncertain terms that she had absolutely no interest in resurrecting that part of her life. She hadn't told her parents about her pregnancy, nor did her husband realize she'd given up a baby before he met her.
You and your child cannot control the actions and feelings of the other members of the adoption triad, but the act of searching will allow your child to feel empowered.
If your adoption was open and became closed because the birth family stopped contact and disappeared, your child's fantasies and feelings of rejection may be more problematic than if the adoption was closed from the beginning. You may need to consult with a therapist and go into family counseling.
You need to help your child understand that the birth parent is not rejecting him as a person, but is instead turning away from that part of his or her life. Some birth parents find it hard to move on with their lives if they maintain contact with their birth child. Try to help your child respect the birth parent's choice and remind him that he has a family that loves and accepts him completely.
When an open adoption fades away and you lose contact with your child's birth family, continue to collect pictures and information about your child — perhaps sending it to your agency or adoption professional. At some point, your child will likely embark on a search and will need concrete proof that you weren't the one to stonewall his connection to his heritage.