Most adoptions thrive, even international adoptions where so many variables are involved. But you should understand that sometimes your best intentions may not be enough. Circumstances beyond your control or expectations can arise. Sometimes a planned adoption does not work out, and sometimes you have to be the one to decide it is not working.

There are many reasons that an international adoption might fail, reasons ranging from you discovering that you weren't as well prepared as you thought you were to the child being much different from what you were led to believe to changes in local laws in the child's country that make the adoption impossible. Of all of these reasons, the most common one, by far, is that you were misled about the child's condition.

You may have gone through disappointments as you tried to conceive a child or have suffered miscarriage or loss, but when you decided to adopt you did so with your whole heart and you expected to succeed. You took the classes, bared your soul to social workers, and filled out endless forms designed to make you look closely at your reasons for adopting. You thought you'd considered every eventuality. Even though you have done everything you were supposed to, sometimes a situation is simply not one that will work for your family.

Example of a Failed International Adoption

While most international adoptions are successful and result in a close, bonded family, there are situations in which that is not possible. Too often, books about international adoption gloss over these possibilities. The following example is included because international adoptions can fail, through no fault of the adoptive parent.

Hilary and Bob were professionals with years of experience in child development — she was a behavioral psychologist and he a pediatrician. They already had two biological children, but felt a strong desire to parent a child who needed a home. After considerable research, including talking to friends who had adopted from Russia two years earlier, they hired the same facilitator and were matched to brothers, ages five and seven. Their initial visits and correspondence with the boys went very well, and they were told the children could come home to Ohio the last week in November.

The adoption was finalized in Russian courts on November 28, but trouble started when the new family drove from the village to Moscow for the flight home. Both boys erupted into volcanic tantrums, kicking, punching, and spitting as soon as they checked into their hotel. They broke furniture, even a window. Their behavior was dangerous and frightening. Only exhaustion stopped the frantic behavior; a few hours respite ensued and then the behavior started all over again.

After two days, the episodes seemed to diminish and there were periods of calm when the children clung to their parents. Then the ringing of the telephone or a siren blaring in the street started them screaming, running around the room, and thrashing away from Bob and Hilary's attempts to corral them.

Bob, who had been so caught up in the chaos that he couldn't think straight, realized that the older boy was displaying symptoms of sensory processing disorder. His behavior also indicated reactive attachment disorder and other neurological problems. The younger boy, on the other hand, seemed to be simply following his brother's lead.

HEARTBREAKING DECISIONS

At first, Bob and Hilary considered taking the younger boy home and hospitalizing the older one, but they soon realized that splitting up the children would lead to even more trauma. They discussed the situation with their social worker, who agreed that these children needed to be in a home where they would be the only children. Tearfully and with heavy hearts, they decided that the boys represented a greater risk than they were willing to take for their other children. With the cooperation of their social worker, attorney, and facilitator, they brought them back to the U.S. and helped them be readopted by another couple.

Hilary said, “At least we got them out of the orphanage and into a family where they're adjusting very well.” She paused and her voice trembled, “But I feel so guilty, as if I should have known … or been stronger or something.”

Finding Out the Information You Had Was Wrong

All of the information Bob and Hilary received indicated that the boys were emotionally and physically healthy enough to fit into their family. Although they knew they would have to deal with attachment issues, they didn't expect pathological behavior.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, it's pointless to beat yourself up. You know yourself and your family situation, and no matter how much you might want things to be different, you recognize when circumstances are beyond your control. The toddler who seemed well adjusted in the video and who came to you with seeming eagerness may have learned compliant conduct in order to survive in an environment where she had to compete with a dozen others. She may have serious emotional issues that won't surface until you take her away from the orphanage and the only life she knows. If you have requested an emotionally healthy child and been assured you have one, only to realize that she's emotionally damaged, you may not be able to parent her. Some parents might feel they have the right family for the situation, but it is important to know when a particular child is not a good match for your family. Being able to accept this possibility serves everyone's needs better than trying to make a situation work that will eventually end in a failed adoption or years of frustration and disappointment.

Grieving and Moving On

If this kind of situation should happen to you, the best thing for you to do is make the decision to end the adoption, before papers have been signed and the child's custody has actually been transferred to you. This is called a disrupted adoption, rather than a failed adoption, and it's easier, legally and emotionally, on everyone involved.

Whether the adoption is disrupted or failed, you need to get past it, and so does the child. First, you must acknowledge the reality of the situation, then you must give yourself space and time to mourn what might have been. While you mourn, however, remember that the child has lost much more than you, especially a child who has been abandoned, perhaps many times. You and the child will both need counseling and extended support.

Don't Give Up

It can be upsetting to consider a failed adoption, but you must remember that the vast majority of international adoptions are successful and have happy outcomes. You would not be entering into the situation in an educated way if you did not consider the possibility of a problem occurring.

It can also be very frustrating to decide you would like to adopt internationally, know that there are thousands of children in other countries who need homes, and then find that you have a very long wait to get a child. It can be tempting to give up at times.

Don't be afraid of taking the risks inherent in adopting internationally. True, you will probably have your patience tried over and over again and your emotional and financial resources may be strained, but if you want to be a parent more than anything else and if you are willing to dedicate your life to something much greater than yourself, you will find a joy beyond anything you can imagine. As successful adoptive parents attest, experiences that bring the most happiness are usually experiences that require the greatest effort.