Handling the Interminable Waiting
In the words of one adoptive father, “Everything is hurry, hurry, wait, wait, wait, hurry, wait, wait, hurry.” Waiting may be the hardest part of the whole process, particularly in an international adoption, where you may be matched with a child but then have to wait many months to bring him home. Try not to focus on what you don't have (your child in your home), but instead, make the intervening time productive.
A good resource is Adoption Alliance, Inc.'s international division (
Why is there so much waiting involved in an international adoption?
There is no good answer to that question. It takes time for the foreign agency to approve you. It takes time for them to assign you a child. It takes time for your adoption to be processed. And it takes time for immigration papers to be approved. There are delays at every step of the way and no good reason, except that is just how the process works.
Several parents interviewed for this book confided that they believe the waiting, disappointments, and hassles that go with the adoption process are actually an important rite of passage. You slog through the endless forms, bracing yourself against heartbreak, and then somehow emerge on the other side and begin the joy of parenting a unique and wonderful child.
Bond with Your Child as You WaitYour child has less choice in all this than you do and the delays are much harder on him than they are on you. Even though separated by thousands of miles, you can do many things to establish a bond that will allow your child to attach to you and your family. It can be very difficult to go to an orphanage, meet a child that is designated as yours, and then have to leave him to come home and wait.
You can send your child photos of you and your home or small, soft toys. Today's technology can also be a big help. Take videos of you, your spouse, other children, and the family pets. Tape the outside of your house, the yard, and neighboring homes. You may need to send a VCR for him to watch them on, and you must understand there are no guarantees that this technology will not be stolen by orphanage workers or officials.
Make recordings of your voice, too. Send your child cassette tapes and a tape player. Read stories to him on tape and send along the books they come with so he can follow what you're saying, if he's old enough. Even though he probably doesn't speak English, he'll become familiar with the sound of your voice and English words.
Learn some phrases in his language to introduce the tapes, like, “When you are here with me, I'll read this story to you before you go to sleep.” Making the videos and tapes will help you deal with the stress of being separated and the delays that may keep coming up.
