If you're a stepparent, many aspects of the adoption will be different from other forms because of the biological connection the child has to your spouse. Some states offer streamlined adoption processes for stepparents. Once you adopt, you'll no longer be the stepparent, you'll be the legal parent in every sense of the word. This distinction is crucial, because your family will no longer be blended, it will be primary. However, you will still deal with semantics, because your child will be aware of the biological parent.

The age of the child at the time of the adoption is also important. When children who are adopted by stepparents are infants or are very young, they won't have the same conflicted feelings an older child or teen might have. You are the parent, and the law backs you in making decisions for your child, but you should take into consideration existing relationships. Although you have become the legal parent, the biological parent still may be important to your child; you can't undo the emotional bonds that exist. See Chapter 13 for further discussion.

As a stepparent who is adopting, you should respect the child's needs and the emotional welfare of the whole family. There are probably family members on the biological father's or mother's side (who-ever is giving up parenting rights) who don't want to lose contact with the child, such as aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

Also, when a parent whose rights have been terminated remarries and has other children, the issue of half-siblings arises. Your child may want to have a relationship with those siblings.

Your primary consideration in all this must be your child's emotional well-being. If he has loving, close relationships with extended family, he will reap great benefits as he grows up. However, some children experience complicated grief over adoption when they have repeated contact with biological family members; sometimes the contact causes more longing and unresolved feelings about their loss.

The emotional rewards of being adopted by a stepparent can be enormous for the child involved, depending on his age. He may feel a sense of loss or have concerns about his birth parent as he grows up. Typically, feelings about adoption and the biological family change when a child moves into different developmental stages. It is important as an adoptive parent to be willing to revisit adoption issues and process them with your child in developmentally appropriate ways.

A child who is adopted due to a parent relinquishing rights may require counseling to deal with lingering feelings of abandonment or rejection. Be sensitive and supportive; help your child understand that what the other parent did was out of concern for what would be best in the long run.

Help your stepchild feel special about his adoption by frequently expressing your love and the choice you made. You weren't forced into adopting him, it was something you very much wanted to do. When the adoption is finalized, you may choose to give your child a lasting gift such as a watch with something commemorative engraved on it. Mark the anniversary every year by going out to dinner or a movie and buying a small gift, such as a toy or game. Predictable rituals repeated through the years can help children accept an adoption.