If birth family members initiate contact when you have a closed adoption or when the contact initiated falls outside of the terms of the adoption agreement, it can be stressful for you and difficult for your child, depending on his age and the exact circumstances. Unlawful contact usually occurs when parental rights have been terminated for cause by the state.

For example, Lanie and Jerry adopted Marnie through the foster care system when she was ten and Dale, as an infant, through a private arrangement. When Marnie was fourteen, her birth mother spotted Marnie in front of the local high school and approached her. Terrified, Marnie ran inside the school and called Lanie. After dinner that night Marnie paced the room, shaking her fist and raging about the incident. Her little brother couldn't understand why she was so upset, since he enjoyed seeing his birth mother. Lanie and Jerry explained that Marnie was angry because her birth mother didn't follow the rules, but that they would protect her. Marnie and Jerry contacted the agency and alerted them to the situation.

Unwanted contact can range from somebody breaking the visitation rules to outright stalking by members of the birth family. Be careful not to lose your temper or say anything derogatory about the person involved in front of your child. Make sure you react according to your legal agreement.

If you start receiving phone calls in the middle of the night from the birth mom, when you'd agreed to only have contact via the agency, you should immediately call your agency, because the legal terms have been violated. While you may empathize with her, remember that neither her feelings nor yours are as important as the attachment and safety of your child.

If the birth mother shows up on your doorstep without arranging an appointment, you can insist that she come back later at your convenience. If the agreement you originally negotiated doesn't seem to be working, renegotiate it, but understand that you, the legal parent, have the right and responsibility to decide who does or does not see your child, and under what circumstances.