Questions and Concerns about the Birth Family
Your child will have all sorts of questions about her first family. Curiosity varies with each child, but all children wonder about where they came from and why they're not with those people anymore.
Sometimes this curiosity is brief, especially between the ages of six and twelve, but children approaching the teen years will usually bring the questions to the forefront. Prepare ahead of time. Be fully educated about your child's biological parents and extended family. Make notes about your experiences searching for information for your child; also, copy documents or placement papers. Keep the information in a readily accessible place. Be prepared to answer questions in an age-appropriate manner.
Explain to your child that her birth mother endured conflicting emotions as she struggled to figure out what was best for her and for herself. If your child is young, tailor your explanation to what she can understand. She needs to know that she was not responsible, in any way, for being given up for adoption. Assure her that her biological parents could not raise her, but loved her enough to find a wonderful home for her. Tell her that you are her parent in every way and she's yours forever and ever.
When your child reaches adolescence, tell her that many birth mothers are caught up in a paradox. If they keep their children, they face financial and emotional hurdles, especially if they're very young, single, or if the birth father isn't involved. Raising a child is challenging at best, as any parent will testify, and it's even more so when done solo.
Many mothers find that they don't have the emotional or financial resources to support themselves and a child. Yet, they fear the reactions of their friends and family if they choose adoption. If they just leave their children with somebody and don't come back, they're often prosecuted and can go to jail.
Children who are adopted internationally should be helped to understand that birth mothers from their country of origin often face tremendous poverty, stress, and difficult living conditions, and that these factors played out against the mother's deep love for her baby.
Adolescence is a volatile time for any child, so your teen might tell you she wants to live with her biological family, instead of you. Don't be drawn into a fight. Your child can't “unadopt” herself. Even though older teens are able to become legally emancipated, it is more helpful to find ways to keep giving your teen structure and guidance while allowing more freedom and responsibilities within the family home.
Help your child understand the paradoxes birth mothers face. Explain that decisions were made and actions taken based on love and the best intentions of everybody involved. Reinforce the permanency of your family bond.
