Dealing with Chance Encounters
Whether or not you are in an open adoption, you will have to consider how to respond if you or your child is contacted outside the parameters of the adoption agreement. Contact can range from chance meetings in the grocery store to intrusive or secret phone calls and unwanted visits.
Imagine yourself sitting in the doctor's office with your toddler whom you adopted two weeks ago. A woman approaches you, saying, “That's my sister's baby! I'd know her anywhere.” Then the woman bends down and reaches for your daughter. Your daughter stares at her and shrinks against your thigh. How do you respond? The woman obviously knows your child, but you have been told by social services that contact with the biological family is forbidden.
Your first concern is protecting your child, emotionally and physically, so try not to be confrontational, but state that you are not going to discuss the situation. Put your arms around your child and lift her into your lap. Be gentle and firm; if the woman doesn't move away or insists on continuing the conversation, pick up your daughter and walk to the reception desk.
Chance encounters are going to happen, unless you live on opposite sides of the country. Even then, mass transportation means that you can't guarantee avoiding contact altogether. If your adoption is closed, respond politely and without rancor when you run into a birth family member. If your child is old enough to know what's going on, be sure to talk to her after the encounter. Experienced adoptive parents suggest the following tactics:
Age five and younger — Observe your child's behavior during and after the experience. If she acts anxious or clingy, say, “Did seeing that lady scare you?” Then say, “I'm sorry you were upset. I'm right here,” and spend extra time cuddling or whatever she needs.
Ages six to twelve — Depending on your child's mental age, you can talk about whether she remembers the person and exactly what those memories are. Gently try to help her articulate her feelings, validate them, and remind her that you are her parent and will keep her safe.
Ages thirteen and up — Younger teens may need you to reassure them that toxic people from their previous life will not be able to hurt them. If serious abuse has occurred, seeing someone from the biological family can trigger trauma response in your child. In these cases, you most likely need to work with a therapist who will guide you about just what you should say.
If you're in an open adoption, you should respond as you would with any member of your extended family. Exchange greetings and light conversation, then excuse yourself and get on with what you were doing. If the behavior by the birth family member is not appropriate, get out of the situation as quickly as possible in a polite yet firm way.
