Just as adoption requires the building of bonds in your immediate family, your extended family will need to bond with your child as well. Your mother, siblings, or whoever lives near enough to be there for you can help you show your child how a functional family comes together for mutual benefit and will come to develop loving bonds with your child.

You and your child will need the support and care your parents, grandparents, and siblings can offer when problems emerge. The reaction of extended family members to your child's testing of boundaries can make your job easier if handled appropriately. The development of a bonded relationship between your child and a relative is similar to the process your child will go through with you. It takes time and shared experiences to build bonds.

Encourage your child to spend time with and develop relationships with grandparents, cousins, and aunts. Memories created with extended family who primarily offer love and affection (without the added responsibilities of day-to-day parenting) can be some of the most cherished from childhood. If you have adopted an older child, you need to give everyone involved the time and space to get to know and love each other.

Understanding a Relative's Perspective

You may have been caught up in the excitement of adoption and may not really know how your relatives feel. Your parents, grandparents, and siblings may be worried about possible heartbreak for you, should something go wrong with the adoption. If they don't have any experience with adoption or adopted children, they may wonder whether or not your child is really going to be part of the family.

For example, when Jeanne and her husband decided to adopt their third child, Jeanne was worried about telling her mother they wanted to adopt an African American toddler. Jeanne's mother told her that the idea of adoption itself worried her, not the race of the child. She was concerned that she'd never love an adopted grandchild like her own flesh and blood.

But when Jeanne's mother attended the placement ceremony and heard the readings and watched her daughter, son-in-law, and their children with the toddler, Matt, she knew it was right. When the judge placed Matt in Jeanne's arms as a symbol of her responsibility and commitment to him, her mom said she felt just as she had when she came to the birth rooms and saw her newborn grandchildren. That child was her grandchild and she loved him, immediately.

Sitting down and having conversations, probably more than one, will clear up any misconceptions and bring you critical assistance. It will also clear the way for your family to feel ready to develop a bond with your child.

Teaching What Family Is

All children, adopted or not, need to understand the importance of family. Helping your child see that family is the backbone of her life is an important lesson. Children who have developmental delays may not be able to immediately or completely understand how a family is different from institutions or other social organizations.

The love, acceptance, and support that typifies a normal family may seem odd or unfamiliar to these children. They may be used to the “every man for himself” standard of behavior. If they had caregivers that rotated through their lives, they may not have become attached to anyone in particular, and they may have internalized that they could only depend on themselves.

You can help your child understand family by using concrete symbols. Draw a picture of your family together and label each person. You could draw a house or a heart around the entire family and explain that you all belong to each other and share a home and a life. Use dolls or stuffed animals to show your child how parents care for children.

You can also practice visualization with your child. Ask her to close her eyes and imagine you, her, and the other members of your immediate family all standing in a circle with your arms around each other, smiling. Giving her a physical image of family bonds can encourage her to form them.