Why Don't I Look Like You?
This question will pop up, especially if you've adopted internationally or outside your ethnic group. At first, your child may point out your difference in color, or perhaps wonder about other differences like height, body type, and facial features.
Celebrating Differences and Similarities
Your explanation will depend on your child's age. Tell your child that nobody looks exactly like anyone else, even twins. You might show him a comparison between your skin color and that of your spouse, which is unlikely to be exactly the same. According to your spiritual philosophy, you might explain that God likes variety and the whole world is full of different skin colors, body shapes, and so on. “God made you, and you look just like he wanted you to.”
Alert!
A child may ask the same question over and over. Never resist answering her, and be careful about your tone of voice. Even very small children can pick up on irritation, anxiety, or impatience. It can take lots of repetition for a child to understand and internalize the answers to these tough questions. Consistent answers will help her feel secure in what you are saying.
Too many differences will distance him from you, however, so while you say, “You have a great tan all the time. Your skin is so pretty,” also point out how you both love cross-country skiing and can't stand peas. Being a family is about much more than looks, and you can make that point clear.
Jenny, the mom of an adopted biracial child and two biological children, recommends that when your child begins to ask about differences, you dwell on what makes everybody in the family the same. She suggests that you take a basket and put granny smith apples, red delicious apples, and Fuji apples in it and ask your child what is in the basket. He will say “apples,” not “red apples, green apples, and yellow apples.”
Use this logic with things such as nose, ears, eyes, and hair — noses are noses no matter what shape or color. As your child grows older and asks more complex questions, fill in the blanks with more in-depth answers suitable for his age.
Answering Spoken and Unspoken Questions
You will need to answer the underlying assumption in these hard questions as well as the actual verbalized questions. “Why don't I look like you?” is really another way of asking, “Am I really your child?” or “Are we family?”
Not being born to you can make your child anxious. Certain trite adoption statements can increase anxiety; for example, if you say, “We picked you out of all the children,” your child may feel like he has to meet a higher standard to deserve being chosen. Acknowledge any anxiety that comes up, and reassure him that you expect him to do his best, but you know nobody's perfect, including yourself. When you make a mistake, show your child how adults admit when they're wrong and say, “I'm sorry,” even when the mistake was an accident.
