This question usually follows or is asked in place of “Why don't I look like you?” Answer questions about “real” parents as honestly as you can, in a way that doesn't create more questions. Say something like, “Your mother was very young when she got pregnant with you. She had no money, no home, and her boyfriend had left her. She was scared of what was going to happen to her, and what kind of life she was going to provide you with. She decided that the best thing she could do for you was to find a family that would give you all she wanted to but couldn't.”

Talk About the Adoption

Don't keep the adoption a big secret from your child, thinking you'll tell her when you think she's old enough. Her adoption is an integral part of who she is, and that adoption changed your whole family's culture, too. She has the right to know about it and have it explained to her as part of her life story.

She should hear the word “adoption” from the time she's an infant. Talk about adoption in the natural course of conversation, but avoid using the word “adopted” when you refer to her, especially when introducing her; “my daughter” is all you need to say. Never say “adopted” when you wouldn't use the term “biological” in conjunction with her status.

Discovering Biological Relationships

“Why couldn't I come from your tummy?” is also a related question. As your child begins to understand how babies grow and notices pregnant women, she will begin to consider why she didn't join your family in the usual way. Talk about how she grew in another woman's tummy.

If you have biological children, especially if you get pregnant after you adopt, this question will take on more urgency. You can reinforce that your daughter inherited beautiful curly hair from her biological mother, so she had to come from her, since you wouldn't have been able to give her those curls.

You want your child to realize that she came from and was (or is) loved by her birth family, but that she's a forever part of your family, and you love her unconditionally. To do this you could post “The Adoption Creed,” a poem by Fleur Conkling Heyliger, in your child's bedroom and or the front entry where everyone can see it:

No flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
But still miraculously my own
Never forget
For one minute
You grew not under my heart
But in it.

Distinctions between biological and adopted children in your family should be minimal — especially in the way you relate to them. Positive experiences, choices, and connecting over time build families.

You're Not My Real Mom

When your beloved child hurls those words at you, take a deep breath and say, “What does a ‘real’ mom do?” Turning the statement back on her engages the less emotional part of her brain. Angry feelings precipitated the insult, as well as an emerging sense of independence that all children have.

Explain that real moms and dads:

• Take care of their children

• Give them food, shelter, clean clothes, and love

• Teach them right from wrong

• Guard them from danger

• Encourage and support them

• Love them unconditionally

If you're getting this comment frequently, it indicates an underlying insecurity. One way to deal with this is to make a poster with your child that lists what “real” parents do. Tack the poster to the wall or, better yet, frame it. Post it where your child and everybody else in the family will see it several times a day.

Marti, an adoptive mom in Oregon, adopted her daughter Heidi at age 12. In addition to the fact that Heidi couldn't understand why her birth parents wouldn't raise her, she'd been in five different foster homes. Because she had been hurt and moved around so much, she continually acted out to see if her parents would really keep her. During her many fits, she'd scream and yell, “You're not my real mom!”

Marti would always say to her, “No, I'm not your real mom, but I'm really your mom.”

One day, they were in their church's parking lot and a car almost hit Heidi. Luckily, Marti saw it, yelled, and grabbed Heidi out of the way. Heidi said, “Mom, you saved me!”

And Marti replied, “Honey, I may not be your real mom, but I am really your mom. It's my job to be here and protect you.” Marti says she never heard, “You're not my real mom” again.

Recognize your right to parent your child. No matter how much sympathy you may feel for the birth family losing a part of their family, or how unsure you might be about your right to your child, keep in mind that a court made your adoption binding, and nothing anyone says or does will negate it. Adoption is forever, unless you purposefully go back to court and reverse it.