If I'm Really Bad, Will You Give Me Back?
This question usually comes up when your child realizes the difference between adoptive and biological parents. If your child is older and adopted from an institution or endured multiple placements or a failed adoption, you're more likely to hear this question. You may be shocked to hear your child sob, “Are you going to send me back?” after being reprimanded for something simple like scattering toys, teasing his brother, or kicking over the dog's water dish.
Guilt
Children from abusive, neglectful backgrounds usually internalize the abuse and believe that they somehow provoked their parents and deserved the abuse or neglect. “I cried too much” or “I was a bad kid” are common justifications children come to believe.
Other reactions to fear of rejection can be an “I don't care” attitude or outright defiance and rebellion. “I don't care” comes from the protective strategy of shutting down, thus sealing off emotions to numb the pain. Defiance and rebellion come from thinking that says, “I'll reject you before you can reject me.”
Essential
Adopted children often endure tremendous amounts of guilt. Guilt is a terrible weight for a child to carry; when you answer questions quickly and truthfully, the guilty episodes will gradually disappear. Absolving guilt gives your child more room to absorb the real freedom, structure, and boundless love available within your family. Help him to enjoy the feeling that he has the right to be happy.
Magical Thinking
Until they reach the emotional ages of 10 or 11, children tend to believe in wishful or magical thinking. Children who have been moved from their homes or into and out of several foster homes may have this belief reinforced. For example, if your child was frequently afraid in his biological home and wished desperately to escape, then was taken and placed in a foster home, he will think his wish became reality. He may think that the wish made the removal happen, and may believe that any wish he makes can then come true.
Help your child understand that magical thinking doesn't work. Wish out loud for a new car, a new couch, or that your ugly kitchen floor would disappear. Do so several times in the presence of your child. Then ask your child to wish for something specific, like a new video game or pair of shoes. Have him wish with all his might; join him in wishing for a specific item. Discuss that no matter how hard you wish, you really can't make something happen just by wishing or thinking.
How can I demonstrate to my child that expressing angry feelings isn't dangerous?
Your child may believe that expressing her fears about an abusive person in her past will make that person suddenly appear. Model that it is okay to talk about anger. You can say, “I'm furious that person hurt you” or “I'm so mad about that person not keeping you safe.” Encourage her to express her feelings and show her that expressing them won't make that person reappear.
Strategies for Reassuring Your Child
You have two main challenges for children who think they're somehow responsible for their adoption or any mistreatment that might have occurred. First, you must establish yourself as the safe, loving adult who's in charge. Second, you must create secure attachment to your child that will allow his personality to unfold.
Attachment to you will allow your child to trust you and trust others as he grows. Attachment issues, depending on the age your child was when you adopted him and his previous circumstances, require a combination of high-energy nurturing and much more structure than normal parenting. High-energy nurturing means you must expend consistent, constant emotional energy over months and even years.
High-structure parenting involves clear, workable boundaries that you're committed to establish and maintain. This type of parenting may be viewed by others as too controlling, so be sure you have the help of a support group that understands just what you face.
