Knowing When the Honeymoon Is Over
Teens or tweens who have endured multiple disruptions and emotional or physical abuse can be desperate for a “real” family. Your teen may never have known a mom's tender touch or the companionship and example of a competent, caring dad. He probably blames himself for the failings of his biological parents and thinks, deep down, that if he had tried harder, he wouldn't have lost his family. So, he will do everything in his power to please you when he first joins your family. This period, the honeymoon, is the same for adopted toddlers, school-aged children, and tweens and teens.
As your child becomes more assured, she will gradually become comfortable enough to test your commitment. You can partially avoid some of the worst testing if you acknowledge the “I don't care” and overly compliant behavior as what it is — fear of rejection. Be sure that you do the acknowledgment in private, and not in front of other people.
Your I-don't-care adolescent is shut down emotionally. He's been hurt and disappointed so many times he's retreated into himself and won't risk loving you. Your overly compliant child is trying to earn his way into your heart. He's terrified he'll mess up and be rejected, so he's willing to become the family slave to avoid being hurt again. He is also shut down, but in a different way.
From the moment you decide to adopt, you must let your teen know that he's not on trial, that you and the rest of the family have declared him part of your inner circle, and the contract is for keeps. Reassurance comes in many different, often subtle, ways: gentle touch, kind words, and clear expectations that will reinforce your position as the adult in charge. Your teen has probably been forced to rely totally on himself, and has a deeply ingrained mistrust for authority and adults. He needs to know you won't give up on him, that your love isn't conditional, and that he can relax and be parented.
