Bond with Your Adolescent
Your new addition to the family needs connection and attention initially just as much as a much younger child. Keep in mind that this adult-looking person is really a vulnerable child inside, a child who has built up layers and layers of defenses and coping methods.
Finding one-on-one time will be your most effective way to start the attachment process. During your teen's first year with you, you or your partner may want to take a leave of absence from work or to postpone business trips that involve long absences from home, so that you can spend more time with him. At the very least, it is a good idea to try to rearrange your schedule so that an adult is home when he gets home from school each day.
All cultures and all families develop rituals. Think about how you can bring those rituals into play to help foster ties to your new child. Family dinners at least once a week, especially when you include extended family, are great bonding opportunities.
Try grocery shopping together with your child or wandering the aisles of a gift shop on Friday afternoons after school. Play cards, go out to dinner, and sit in the bleachers to cheer for your teen's school at football or soccer games.
How can I find alone time with my child?
Families today spend a lot of time traveling to various destinations. Use the time to visit or listen to the radio or CD player together. Don't let your teen bring iPods or other personal electronics, including cell phones (and turn yours off), because these items encourage withdrawal and disconnection.
If your teen likes sports, music, drama, or art, check out the resources in your town. Your first stop could be the library or department of parks and recreation. These institutions welcome volunteers and usually have all sorts of activities like story hours, book reading, or writing contests, craft classes, and oil painting lessons.
Find ways to develop interests that you can share, like trying out for a community play. If neither of you wins a part, volunteer to sew costumes or paint scenery together. Join a service group, offer to coach a team, help the drama teacher build sets, or chaperone a field trip. The emphasis with your teen needs to be regular, positive involvement that builds mutual trust and understanding.
Your teen who was physically or sexually abused or who witnessed such abuse may be unable to distinguish between hurtful, inappropriate touching and the physical connections that build attachments between family members. This kind of problem almost always needs long-term therapy, but you can do a lot to help him understand that it is healthy for family members to look into each other's eyes and give and receive hugs.
Always start out with light pats on the shoulder or hair and progress to one-armed hugs. Help your child understand that touching builds attachment, but don't force the issue. You should re-enforce that he look into your eyes when you talk by patiently waiting until he looks at you before you continue talking in a conversation with him.
A mom described how her older children helped Janet when she was first adopted at age thirteen. “She was really strained with the boys, who were eighteen, twenty, and twenty-one at the time. They were all very good about not hugging her, giving her space to get used to them, and teasing in a playful but safe manner. Eventually, she warmed up to all of them.”
