Understand and Respect Your Child's History
One of the hardest things for you to deal with may be the fact that your preschooler's life didn't start when you met her. Not only did you not give birth to her, but years elapsed before you became a family. During those years, she may have failed to receive adequate nourishment for both her body and spirit. Without stimulation and critical nutrients, her brain didn't develop normally, and her growth was delayed. You will grieve that you couldn't provide the safe home, appropriate care, medical treatment, healthy meals, and quiet, safe place to rest that she needed then. Nothing you do or say will erase her formative years or give back what was taken away. However, the power to change and shape her future to be more positive and life affirming is directly in your hands.
Respect that reality and reassure your child that her story's newest chapter begins with you and will continue forever. Be as nonjudgmental as possible when she asks you questions or starts to talk about what happened to her. Tell her that she has the right to talk or not to talk about certain times in her life and that you will always listen and help her understand things. As she opens up and you listen, interject your sympathy while expressing your sorrow and support.
When my friends want to know the gory details about my daughter's life in a Russian orphanage, what do I say?
If your friends interact with your child on a regular basis, give the bare essentials: “Tara was one of twenty children three to four years old who had the same caregiver, so she's learned to throw tantrums to get attention.” Otherwise, say something like, “Tara's story is hers, and I'm not comfortable giving many details.”
