Calming Fears
If your elementary child has come from a neglectful situation, her most common fears are that she won't have enough to eat or adequate clothing and shelter, and being hurt or abandoned. She probably experienced either a sterile environment, as in an orphanage, or a chaotic environment, if she was removed from her biological family.
Hoarding food, being unable to sleep, restlessness, and resisting hugs or displays of affection are all indicators that your child doesn't feel safe, even though she's in your home. Her mind may know that she's in a far different place, but her body and nervous system are in a state of panic. Only time, coupled with loving connections, will relieve her panic.
As with preschoolers, you may find your child sneaking food out of the kitchen and stashing it under her bed, in her closet, or other easily accessible places. She may slip food from the table into her pockets or wrap it in a napkin and stow it under her shirt during meal times. Watch for this kind of behavior and reassure your child that she can eat all she wants during the meal, but that food can spoil and make her sick if it isn't in the refrigerator. Discuss with her what kinds of snacks she'd like to keep in her room or in a place in the cupboards that is hers to go to whenever she feels hungry.
Another way to calm hunger fears is to feed each other. Cut up an apple (or other enjoyable, pleasant food) and pop pieces of it into his mouth. Then let him feed you. This reciprocity activates calming hormones from the primitive areas of his brain that have to do with survival.
Give your child some control over how and when food is served. You might let her suggest some foods or meals. Let her help you prepare it and put it into serving bowls. Teach her how to set the table and make dinner time a special family time. Partaking of food together is a bonding activity and one that should be indulged in on a regular basis.
You may find that your child is unable to relax enough to fall asleep. She may be in a state of hypervigilance, a state that helped her survive on the streets or in a home that was dangerous. When your child first comes home to you, you should know something about where she slept and under what circumstances.
Help your child understand that she's safe in a clean bed, with you nearby. At first, you may have to make a bed on the floor of your room, so you can be there if she wakes up with nightmares.
At bedtime, figure out calming activities that will signal it's safe to quiet down and prepare for sleep. Develop a nighttime ritual that includes a snack, a story and or song, and quiet talk about pleasant things, especially good experiences.
Your child may have been the victim of physical abuse and, therefore, have little or no frame of reference for the affectionate exchanges that occurs in most functional families. You can be sure that this is the case if your child recoils if you make a sudden move toward her or if she never meets your gaze.
Be very careful about making sudden moves, and if you do so and she startles, apologize and step back. But don't make the mistake of avoiding physical contact because it makes her nervous. There are many ways to begin the “dance of affection” without stirring up horrible emotions in your child.
Start by keeping her close by, in the same room. Take opportunities to sit beside her, reading to her or talking about the weather, a family pet, or other neutral topic. After a while, she may lean against you or indicate in other ways that she's comfortable with the level of contact.
Once your child becomes comfortable being next to you, begin to make affectionate overtures, such as lightly touching her hair, shoulder, or hand and progressing to a gentle pat. Point out that moms and dads and other members of a family hug each other. School-aged children can understand the differences, intellectually, between good touch and bad touch. You may need a therapist to help you get beyond the hair- or shoulder-patting stage if serious abuse has occurred.
Family interactions, such as board games, conversation, and old-fashioned parlor games like charades, build brain and emotional attachments. Set aside at least one day a week for a family night; take the phone off the hook and focus on having fun together.
Not looking into your eyes is a way for your child to disconnect from you and to retreat into herself. It's sort of like that old caricature of an ostrich with its head in the sand; if your child can't see you, she's thinks she's not vulnerable.
From the beginning of your relationship, you can say gently, “Sweetie, look at me” or “I want to see your pretty brown eyes” or other methods of initiating eye contact. You can also say, “When you look at me, I know you hear me” or “I'm much more interesting than the floor.”
As you would with any child, help her identify who is safe and who isn't. Say things like:
Safe people treat you with kindness.
Safe people never ask you to keep secrets from your parents.
Safe people don't touch you where your bathing suit would cover.
Safe people don't do things that make you uncomfortable.
If you are dealing with serious issues, ask your child's therapist for help.
Adoption experts experienced in attachment problems recommend that you pursue a child who tries to avoid you physically or emotionally. Obviously, your pursuit cannot seem threatening or intrusive. Some parents have found that simple things like setting the child's place at the table close to them or keeping up a conversation when they leave the room helps calm children who are afraid of adults.
