Acting Out
Your child will spend his first few days with you on his best behavior, especially if you aren't his first placement. Therapists call this stage a “honeymoon,” because it's artificial and doesn't represent real life. The older a child is, the longer the honeymoon can last. Deep down, your child will be terrified that you, too, will turn away and disappear, and he will struggle to do everything in his power to stop you from going. But, barring serious mental illness, he will soon become comfortable enough to start testing his boundaries.
Your child knows that he's weak and can't defend himself. He may never have been able to attach to a safe adult, so he's caught in the quandary of instinctively understanding his vulnerability but being unable to be comfortable with it.
His reaction to this problem may be to become withdrawn and go away emotionally to somewhere safe deep inside. He could appear catatonic; on the other hand, he could swagger around and pretend he's big and powerful. He may become preoccupied with violence, especially with guns and bombs and other mechanical devices that can make him feel he is strong and a force to be reckoned with.
As with toddlers and preschoolers, you must accept the responsibility to direct and control your child's acting out behavior, because he can't manage on his own. He probably hasn't progressed through the levels of attachment that would allow him to become autonomous and regulate himself in social and educational situations. It's up to you to show him what behavior is acceptable in your home and to help him mold his actions to the house rules.
Until your child trusts you, you will have a difficult time figuring out and setting up boundaries. Also, unless you establish boundaries, attachment won't grow and trust won't develop — it's a paradox that you must solve!
Research indicates that you can take control of your child. Confer with your spouse or partner, decide what your behavior expectations are of your child, and then present a united front. You may also need input from your pediatrician or other adoption professional to be sure your expectations are reasonable. Because your child might be delayed in a number of ways, it is important to have expectations that correspond to your child's developmental age rather than his actual physical age.
Appropriate boundaries for elementary school — age children include:
No hitting, yelling, or other hurtful actions
Ask permission to leave the house
Put dirty clothes in laundry baskets
Sit at the table to eat dinner
Regular bathing
Attend school (once she is ready)
Participate in the family by doing chores
Participate in fun family activities in a way that is enjoyable for all family members
When you assign chores, keep things simple at first, then add chores like loading the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom sink, and so on as your child can handle them.
You were probably told in your adoption training that you would need to be a highly structured parent. Elementary school — aged children who haven't been parented adequately may behave inappropriately. Many of them will have been exposed to adult situations and forced into adult roles they were neither physically nor mentally capable of shouldering. Therefore, they will have to unlearn certain behavior, such as kicking, slapping, or punching when they are angry or frustrated.
If your son hits a classmate who takes his place on the swings at recess, he's displaying the only behavior he's learned. You have to help him find and use a better method. Acknowledge his feelings of frustration: “You really wanted to swing and were upset that Devin got there first.”
Then point out that hitting Devin hurts him and that your child got into trouble with the playground aide because of this. Describe the consequences of hurting someone at school: “You can't play at recess for a whole week,” and ask your child what he could have done instead of hitting. Don't accept a shrug or “I dunno.” Gently say, “You could have stamped your foot and said, ‘I'm mad that you have the swing.’ It's okay to be upset, but it's not okay to hit.”
It can be helpful to help your child act out difficult situations like this so that you can arm him with appropriate responses and behaviors. Don't expect one talk to make everything clear for him though. He has years of learned behaviors to unlearn and this can take time.
