Many experienced foster/adopt parents emphasize that you must be able to react quickly and to handle difficult situations. You must have mental and emotional toughness to respond to the realities of what's happening, rather than what you wish were true. You can't ignore behaviors in hopes they'll go away, and you must be perceptive about recognizing underlying reasons for disturbing conduct.

Research reveals that children who are abused and neglected, especially during the critical early years, develop a skewed perception of the world due to complicated trauma. Their behaviors seem totally out of proportion to what's going on around them. That's because their internal reality, or what they believe about the world, and especially adults, is different from their current environment. They tend to displace rage about their mistreatment onto their adoptive parents.

Your five-year-old daughter, who arrived in your home starved with partially healed multiple fractures, may not recognize that she's now in a safe, nurturing place, because she responds to a set of expectations based upon multiple experiences of abuse in her past. Her life experiences have been filled with pain, and as her body heals and her emotions emerge from the blankness where she's been hiding them, she may stiffen and reject your gentle touch. She may hoard food under her bed, wander the house at night, and break or scratch furniture to relieve the high levels of anxiety and stored anger she has from her past.

It is difficult to predict what your child might do in reaction to her previous life, so you must remain flexible and prepared to deal with whatever comes your way with love and understanding. You can't truly know and understand what she has been through, but you can respond to her behavior with knowledgeable parenting skills and help her work through her situation. A good therapist, well versed in family dynamics and relationships, is a must for children who have suffered abuse.

Every child who is removed from a home suffers grief on some level — even infants who may not remember the situation when they are older. It is important for your child to process the grief she carries in order to become a whole, functioning person. Without moving through the developmental process of grief, she may get stuck at some point and be unable to move through grief to a final resolution.

The five stages of grief, as defined by author and activist Elizabeth Kubler Ross, are:

• Denial or numbness

• Protestation or overt anger

• Sorrow and deep sadness

• Hope that the pain will end

• Acceptance of circumstances beyond one's control

As you support and guide your child through these stages, you will strengthen her attachment to you. Although grief is often explained as having stages, it is possible for your child to feel several stages at the same time or in a different order than another person. It is essential to allow your child to grieve, sometimes repeatedly, for aspects of her life and people that may not seem like losses to you, such as an abusive mother or a home without enough food.