Creating Routines and Family Time
A child who is recovering from a bad situation needs safety and reliability. As the foster or adoptive parent, you should create a solid family routine that creates a feeling of safety. Regular family time will help create attachment bonds.
Part of your routine should include eating at least one meal together every day as a family; sitting down at the table together is about much more than food. This is a time to share thoughts and feelings, to get to know one another a bit better. The circle of faces around the table creates an intimate community. When you have everybody in one place at one time, don't let the meal turn into a lecture or airing of grievances. Have a separate family council time to work through negative issues.
If you are fostering, always refer to the child as “my daughter” not “my foster daughter.” Your family and friends will know that Tammy is your foster child, and strangers have no need to know. However, understand that your foster child might not feel comfortable reciprocating by calling you “Mom” or “Dad.” This can be an extremely difficult transition in a child's life, and it is best not to pressure her.
Besides meals, you should share pleasurable activities or outings. These don't have to be expensive. Walks around the neighborhood, picnics in the park, window shopping, story time at the library, and board or card games are all examples of bonding opportunities that don't cost anything. A weekly family game night is one routine you could institute.
Assign and track household chores. Knowing that he has a role in the family is important for your child, and giving him responsibility shows your faith in him. Set up regular bedtimes, with a simple routine that signals the end of the day. Wake your child at the same time each day. If he is school age, follow an after-school routine each day, such as snack, playtime, then homework. The more predictable your routine, the safer your child will feel.
In addition to family time, create opportunities for one-on-one activities with each child. Again, these opportunities don't need to be expensive. Let your child's interests guide you. If he likes sports, take him to a high school game or kick a ball back and forth in the backyard. Be especially careful not to waste interactive time with videos or television. When you do decide to watch a movie or program side by side on the couch, make sure that you're doing more than aimlessly flipping through channels. Pick out the movie or program together and talk about it afterward.
All children want and need attention from the adults in their lives. Foster children may be adept at creating commotion and focusing attention on themselves through behaviors that can infuriate you. Keep in mind that, to a neglected child, even negative attention that feels under his control is better than being ignored. You are the adult, so don't be drawn into conflicts and arguments. It can be hard not to react emotionally, so you must always be thinking about what is happening and why and then search your mind for the most appropriate response.
Understand that when a foster child is placed in your home, he has lost everything familiar — his parents, neighbors, friends, pets, and so on. Everything changes, and while at his home of origin there may have been shouting, abuse, or deprivations, at least those things were familiar. Now, sounds, smells, and textures are different. A favorite blanket, shirt, or toy may have been forgotten or destroyed during the chaos of intervention and emergency placement. The loss of familiarity can be frightening; your job is to help build a new sense of familiarity in your own home.
Staying in control means that you must control your child's behavior and the environment. A routine is one important way to control both. You must also create clear rules of behavior and consequences and then calmly and rationally enforce these rules.
If you find yourself reacting negatively to your child or feel your anger escalating, give yourself a time out and leave the scene. You're human too, and you can't expect yourself to always feel calm and in control. Stepping into the next room and taking a few deep breaths can really give you some perspective on the situation. Then return, offering comfort, and when necessary, consequences, depending on the situation.
You should have a safe, neutral place where your young child can work through angry, chaotic feelings. Experienced parents recommend a soft, folding chair placed in the middle of the kitchen. Your child can sit out of range of walls or breakable objects, stamping his feet, yelling, crying, and waving his arms. While your child acts out the emotions he's feeling incapable of expressing in any other way, stay nearby; this is not a good time to isolate him.
