Temper Tantrums
There's always a chance that your child's assertion of independence and her testing of limits will come together in one hard-to-handle eruption of anger and frustration. That uncontrolled outburst of emotion is what we know as a tantrum. Tantrums, which can be physical, verbal, or both, look like fits: Your child may scream, cry, flail around, and altogether seem unable to calm down. These outbursts are difficult to handle because they often come on suddenly and make your child seem as if she's become some child you've never met before. Where did your lovely sweetie-pie go?
Two-year-olds are easily frustrated because they want to do things that are sometimes too hard for them. They may want to swim in the deep end of the pool or ride on the grown-up roller-coaster. On the other hand, some two-year-olds are easily frightened by new experiences or by their parents leaving the room. Fear and frustration are two of the most common causes of tantrums because they are two of the most common feelings two-year-olds experience.
Tantrums involve emotions and behavior, two areas in which parents don't have control over their child. Your child needs you to identify her emotion for her and then to help her cope with it. “I see you are angry. I've been angry, too. Here's how to help yourself. You see, I'm not angry anymore.” The more reassuring you can be for your child, the more likely it is that she will look to you for help.
Tantrums are often cyclical. Your child may have a few in a row or it may seem as if in an entire month you don't remember a day when there weren't tears or screams. If your child — and you — are stuck in this unpleasant cycle, consider taking a break from each other for a day. Do something for yourself and let your child spend the day with her other parent, a grandparent, or a friend. And don't sweat it if she behaves betterfor them than she does for you! Chances are the break will bring you back together with both of you more relaxed.
A child may have a tantrum for a number of reasons and there are different types of tantrums. Your child may become easily frustrated with himself, annoyed with a toy, or be so tired or wound up that he can't stop crying. When you sense that the tantrum is likely the result of exhaustion, take your child to his bed, to a couch, or perhaps into the car, encouraging him to lie down and relax. Even if he's crying or yelling about something seemingly unrelated to being tired, such as insisting on having a special toy, reassure him that he just needs to take a break and calm down.
When a tantrum is less about physical exhaustion and more about behavior, a few things can provoke it — a desire for attention, anxiety over an impending separation, a struggle for power. It may simply be because your child is testing where the boundaries for proper behavior are. Is he allowed to scream? Is he allowed to hit? How far can he go with this behavior? Your answer needs to be swift and clear: not far!
Coping with Tantrums
When you find your child losing it — crying uncontrollably, hitting, or throwing things — get down to his eye level, gently put a hand on his arm or back, and speak softly to him. It's very possible that your calm reaction will calm him down. Even though you may want to yell or respond to his emotion with emotion, in most cases that won't work. Nor will slapping or spanking him. He will then be upset over two things: whatever first bothered him, and the fact that you have hurt him. Even if he stops crying, it is likely because he is afraid of your reaction. His subdued response doesn't mean he has learned anything useful. All he has learned is that you are someone who will hurt him.
Fact
Temper tantrums are upsetting and embarrassing for parents. If your child has one, you'll wonder what you did wrong to cause this behavior. And if you're with friends, family, or in public, you'll feel like you're under a microscope. In these situations, walk somewhere with your child, even if you have to carry him out of the store or a room.
First, validate your son's experience by saying something like, “I see you're really upset.” Then explain that you are not angry at him and show that you are there for him by saying something like, “I want to help you. But I need you to calm down and take a breath so we can figure out how to fix the problem.” Depending on your child's personality, you might want to keep talking or simply stay with him, showing him how to take a deep breath and how to relax. You can smile, look into his eyes, and basically take him out of his emotional state. Alternatively, you might need to ignore the behavior. If your child thinks he can control you with his tantrums, he will keep having them.
Although it may seem perhaps too sensitive to respond so calmly to your child's outburst, you need to remember that, most likely, your child doesn't want to behave badly. In fact, he is probably as surprised by his own behavior as you are. If you are calm and help him understand that he can feel aggravation and frustration but not act out those feelings through inappropriate behavior, he will learn there is an alternative.
At two, your child doesn't know how to recognize, express, or solve her frustration. Even though she does understand more than she used to, in some ways having grown up a little actually exacerbates her frustration. When she was one, if something upsetting happened she came right to you. Now that she's two she wants to fix the problem, but she can't.
Worst of all, she doesn't have the ability to explain any of this to you. Tantrums are an opportunity to teach your child how to deal with frustration and intense, negative feelings — feelings that are a reality in life. She needs to learn how to handle and express anger without resorting to unacceptable behavior.
Alert!
During a tantrum, you may need to restrain your child so that he doesn't hurt himself. Kneel behind him and wrap your arms gently around his body so that you're holding his arms down. Speak softly in his ear. Take deep breaths, as he may begin to breathe the way you are breathing, and that will help him relax.
If you weather the tantrums successfully (for, rest assured, there will be more than one), your child will come out on the other side with the ability to express his feelings instead of acting them out. Instead of hitting, crying, or yelling, at least most of the time, he will say, “I'm angry you're not buying me that toy!”
Emotionally intelligent adults have learned how to recognize their feelings and then how to cope with them. If you are tired, you lie down when you can; if you are angry, you might talk your feelings through with someone. But children have yet to learn how to make a connection between a problem and its solution. Tantrums are a way for a child to discover how to handle his emotions so that, as he grows up, he's less likely to be overwhelmed by them. He starts this learning process by listening to himself and then by verbalizing his needs to others.
In some cases, the best response to a child's tantrum is no response. If you have tried to help your child calm down but she is simply unable to stop crying or yelling, try walking away (this can work if you are at home). That will both help you remain calm and communicate to your child that her behavior is not going to get her any added attention.
In fact, not engaging with your child's high-intensity emotions is one of the most effective parenting techniques for managing tantrums. Show your child that you care and that you are nearby if she needs you; then let her know you will only give her attention if and when she can behave calmly and respectfully.
Tell her where you'll be (“I'll be in the kitchen while you stay in your room” or “I'm going to sit over on the couch”), and then give her time to compose herself. You can check on her every few minutes so that she knows you haven't truly left her (remember, two-year-olds can easily get scared about being abandoned), but don't keep asking her how she is. Take the focus off her behavior.
She may tell you that she can't calm down. (This is probably the truth, as she has yet to learn how
