Discipline Basics
Until your child turns two, you probably don't think about discipline issues very much. Now all of a sudden, when your child frustrates you or seems to be misbehaving on purpose, you find yourself reacting the same way your parents did in similar situations — you yell, you walk away, or you spank your child. Or maybe you behave in the opposite way of your parents. If they spanked, you become quiet instead. If they yelled, you try time-outs.
Discipline is different from punishment and it is very different from an impulsive reaction to a behavior. Discipline is something you teach and your children learn. It is not a response, but the understanding that you are guiding your child's behavior so that she can eventually adapt and internalize your instruction.
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Punishment is authoritarian and teaches that a more powerful person has control. Punishment does not instruct. Punishment also assumes that the child has done something bad, as opposed to doing something he hasn't yet mastered. Effective forms of discipline use consequences that teach a lesson or that are in line with the misbehavior.
Rather than paying attention to your child's negative behavior, single out positive behavior of his that you can praise and give attention to. If you only pay attention to negative behavior, your child will feel insecure. By contrast, if you notice and compliment his positive behavior, he will respond in kind with continued good behavior. In other words, negative behavior should be responded to quickly and with as little attention as possible, whereas positive behavior should be rewarded with more attention.
Although they are more aware of rules than one-year-olds, two-year-olds do not break rules intentionally nor do they purposefully try to manipulate their caregivers. Because two-year-olds want your love, approval, and care, it would not occur to them to do something to jeopardize that.
On the other hand, two-year-olds want what they want when they want it, and this will naturally put them at odds with your agenda.
There is no question that being a parent can be frustrating and exhausting. Constantly having to monitor a small child's behavior is a hard job. When a child is being unreasonable and out-of-sorts, it is often very difficult not to lose your temper and begin responding to her yelling and crying in a similar fashion.
Moms and dads lose their tempers. However, you need to follow (at a bare minimum) the same rules you are setting for your children: no hitting; no out-of-control yelling; no throwing; no name-calling; no being mean.
Sometimes losing your temper is not the worst thing in the world. You are a person with boundaries and limits, and children need to see that there is a line they shouldn't cross. However, when you do lose your temper (this often takes parents by surprise, so it's actually hard to stop beforehand), do your best to keep your voice at a reasonable volume and explain to your child that you are losing it.
Then do what you need to calm down: Walk away for a minute; have a glass of water; take a few breaths; make a phone call. It can be a valuable lesson for your child to watch someone calm herself down after losing her temper.
Finally, afterwards, explain to your child what just happened to you, letting her know that you are a person who needs to be treated well, just as you treat her. Your child will understand this and appreciate the concept of fair play.
Successful parents bond with their children in a very deep and meaningful way, which gives the parent-child relationship a foundation of empathy and an emotional intensity. Almost all of the time this bond is positive and valuable. Sometimes, however, especially when a parent is stressed and a child is overly cranky (or when a parent is busy and a child is being obstinate) the closeness becomes an implosion. In other words, the child begins to melt down and the parent, who may have something else on her mind or may have been pushed too far, also gets upset.
When this happens, it is beneficial to simply detach. Let your child have her tantrum; let her cry; let her be miserable for a half-hour. Having a bad moment or even a bad day is part of life. Even though you are her parent who loves her more than anything else in the world, that doesn't mean you also have to have a bad day.
This intentional detachment can feel unsettling to you as a parent after having created such a close relationship with your child over two years. As a result of your intense bonding, you probably aren't fully aware of just how much you have allowed your child's mood or emotions to become part of your own mood and emotions.
A case in point: Say your two-year-old is having a tantrum at the mall. Put her in the stroller, ignore her behavior, and take care of yourself. If she's crying too much to stay in the mall, take her somewhere else you want to go. Or bring her home and turn on the TV to something you want to watch. Obviously you want to make sure she is safe, but other than that, you can feel good about taking some time to improve your own mood and your own day.
