Sibling Rivalry
Siblings can be the best of friends and the most intense of enemies. They are helpful to each other, yet they can become sneaky and mean at the drop of a hat. Even though sibling love is often as strong as the bond between parent and child, siblings have to live under the same roof and so have many daily details to negotiate, even when they are little.
If your two year-old is about to become a sibling, don't force positive feelings on him. Instead, tell him the news and express your enthusiasm for the new baby. Let your child know that you still love him and that you are looking forward to being a bigger family. Then accept your child's feelings as they come. These will range from positive to negative (fear, anger, jealousy), but if you accept them all, it's more likely the negative feelings won't linger.
Parents need to remember that siblings have their own separate relationships, and that parents can't control how two personalities interact. The more a parent tries to force a good relationship, the more difficult it is for that relationship to develop naturally. While you can certainly encourage kindness and support among family members, you have to allow your children to find areas they have in common, to work out differences, and to create a relationship that works for them.
If two children (or a group of siblings) are arguing, it could be about any number of issues. It could simply be a typical problem such as, “I want that toy, and I don't want you to have it,” or it could be about something bigger. Remember, siblings are sharing a lot — physical space and parents, for a start — and sometimes that sharing is too much for a child.
Fact
If your children are arguing without hitting, let them work it out. When they tell you why they are angry and why they each think they are right, tell them you don't want to hear it and that you know they can work it out. The more attention you pay to their fight, the more they will try to engage you.
If you notice your children seem stressed over sharing your attention, give each of them some separate time with you. Find a way to play with each one for a while. If they are fighting over sharing their toys, separate them if you can. And make sure each knows he has some toys and possessions that belong exclusively to him.
One of the gifts of having a sibling is the opportunity to learn the art of disagreement. It may sound surprising — parents dread the sound of their children arguing — but the reality is that siblings almost always manage to work out conflict, an essential skill to learn in life.
When your children are getting along and playing well together, you should let them know how happy that makes you. Your approval doesn't have to be excessive, but you can smile at them or just say, “I feel so good when we're all having fun.” Offering attention when something good happens is not only self-perpetuating (your children will try to stay good to get more of the favorable attention), it feels better to the parent, too. Wouldn't you rather offer love and support than criticism?
