Boy — Girl Differences
One of the surprising discoveries made over the last twenty-five years is that, given equal opportunities and treatment, boys and girls nevertheless appear to be very different in some respects. Such differences, of course, don't mean better or worse by comparison, simply that boys' and girls' development is often marked by traits and preferences that seem related to gender, rather than to differences of personality, ability, or capability.
Alert!
If your child seems to be having more trouble speaking than he should, it's possible that someone other than you — such as a teacher — will notice. You understand him, but if they can't, they can sometimes hear the problem. Many schools and communities now have specialists to help small children with their speech.
Although your daughter likely plays with dolls and your son with cars, there are, of course, plenty of social exceptions to these norms. One of the most supportive and loving things a parent can do for a child is to look at him without gender expectations. As a result he'll feel free to explore all aspects of his talent and personality without being hampered by a parent's notions of what a boy or girl should be.
A growing body of scientific evidence indicates that the differences between boys and girls stem from variations in hormone levels and the effects of this on brain development. These differences — which include variations in size and structure of the hypothalamus and in brain pattern functioning — though not extreme, do seem significant enough to account for slight variations in gender development. For example, boys tend to develop certain skills such as walking and talking later than girls, and girls tend to be more independent. Once boys are past preschool, their physical bodies will become stronger and better at athletics while girls will excel at school. Whether these differences are because of the way school is organized or because of innate abilities is a question that remains to be answered.
Your child at two is more likely to engage in social interactions with siblings and other children than when he was younger. He plays with them in a more friendly way, now offering his toys as well as wanting to do what the other children are doing. Children at this stage begin to figure out in groups and with friends what behavior works and what doesn't. Along the way they experience acceptance and rejection, as well as cooperation and disagreement.
During this year, your child will need you to explain how friendships and play dates work, but you will also need to let him find his own way with other children. A two-year-old wants to act grown up, especially around older children, and wants to do what he sees other children doing, even if it's a little too much for him.
Though you might worry that he's bitten off more than he can chew, keep in mind that his willingness to challenge himself is a good thing! If he feels capable and competent, he'll focus on the many new things he wants to try rather than notice any age differences.
“Me do it!” Even if this willfulness on the part of your two-year-old may slow you down, the words should be music to your ears. Your child has begun to realize that she enjoys doing things for herself and she now wants to try to do things she couldn't do before. Moreover, she wants you to see — and acknowledge — how capable she is.
Question
My two-year-old wants me to do everything for him. Should I?
Your son may want to reassure himself that you will still take care of him, or he may doubt his own abilities. Ideally you would try not to become frustrated with this behavior. Instead encourage your child to do something with you, saying something like, “I'll button two buttons; you do the rest.”
At the same time that tsswo-year-olds feel good about buttoning their clothes, feeding themselves, and playing with a friend, they also start to worry that perhaps you won't want to take care of them anymore. Or perhaps they will worry that they won't need you. It's almost as if they have become teenagers — they want you there to cheer them on but don't want you to think they need you. This ambivalence scares them, and they get a little needy as a result.
Your approach to this confusion should be calm and dispassionate. Recognize that two-year-olds have to go through this process to feel good about developing their independence. As they do, they will realize that you are still their parent, there for them no matter what.
