Before they learn how to understand themselves and the world, and how to communicate, children try different behaviors to get what they want and express themselves. They may try biting and/or hitting as part of their trial-and-error behavior efforts. This is not a sign of an aggressive personality; rather, aggressive actions are usually the result of feeling threatened (“He took my toy!”) and not having the ability to identify, communicate, and handle the feeling. Without those abilities, the child responds in the same way an adult would, with raw emotion such as crying, yelling, hitting, biting, or running away.

Your first response to hitting and biting might be similar to your child's — instinct might take over because seeing your child act aggressively is embarrassing or scary. But you need to remember that this is a natural stage of development and that your job is to teach your child something, not to get angry. She has no idea she's doing anything wrong. If you take her away from the situation with a cool correction — that is, without showing emotion — then she will learn that biting and hitting don't work.

Defusing the Situation

If your one-year-old has hit or bitten another child, the first thing to do is make sure the other child is okay. This is important for two reasons. The child who got hurt or scared needs attention most, and your child needs to see you respond compassionately when someone else is hurt or scared in order to eventually model that behavior. Next, tell your child that it's not okay to hit or bite. Point out how his actions have made the other child feel. He will see the cause and effect even if he can't feel the other child's pain.

If you know that a particular thing upset your child, such as arguing over a toy, it is also important to acknowledge his feelings by saying something like “I know that you were upset that Sarah took your toy.” Then, suggest what the biter could have done instead: “Next time you can come get me” or “Next time you can ask to share.” Even though all of this language might be impossible for the child to understand, it's still important for you to begin responding to issues in a level-headed, thoughtful manner. One day, your child will understand your words completely, so the habit of clear communication is a good one to get into early.

The last step is to find a reasonable consequence that will suit what your child has done. Traditional forms of discipline, such as hitting or spanking, teach your child nothing. Instead, tell him to sit down for a few minutes, which will allow him to make the connection between his behavior and the negative consequence of missing out on the action. (More than a few minutes is too much for a child this age, as he won't remember why he is being forced to sit still.)

Choose another time, when the subject is not so hot, to talk about biting and hitting. For example, you could simply say, “Biting is wrong. It hurts people.” Or you could make up a teaching story about it. The point is to let your child know that hitting and biting do happen, especially in the world of a young child, without making his behavior the specific focus of your talk. Most children are biters at one time or another, but almost all of them get bitten, too.

When you notice your child doing the right thing when he's frustrated, show him how proud and happy you are of his behavior. Also try to avoid making a big deal out of aggressive behavior. The more attention drawn to the behavior, the more appealing that behavior becomes to a one-year-old.