If you have a same-sex partner, it is very possible to become parents together. In most states, one of you will have to become a parent first. The other parent then adopts the child through the second-parent adoption process used by stepparents. A second-parent adoption is a simplified adoption, but it does still require a home study and background checks.

Many lesbian couples choose to use insemination to become pregnant. As discussed earlier in the chapter, you can use a known donor or go to a sperm bank. Some lesbian couples prefer to use sperm donations from gay donors. If this is something you are interested in, there is a sperm bank in San Francisco called Rainbow Flag Health Services (www.gayspermbank.com) that specializes in these kinds of donations.

Adoption is another choice for same-sex couples. If you are considering international adoption, you should be aware that no foreign countries permit gay couples to adopt. Homosexuality has become a “Don't ask, don't tell” situation in the adoption community to some extent. If you are gay and you are adopting a child alone, with plans for your partner to do a second-parent adoption later, there is no need to disclose this. When you have a home study done, you will have to be honest about living with someone else, but it is possible to paint this as a roommate situation.

Some private domestic agencies are funded by churches and may have preferences against gay couples. Public agencies are most likely to be accepting to gay singles or couples.

If one of you has a child from a previous relationship, the other partner can adopt the child. If the child has a second legal parent, that parent must receive notice of and consent to the adoption. If the other parent will not consent, then your partner won't be able to formally adopt your child.