To coach effectively, you need to give children lots of feedback to help them understand what is happening. There are three kinds of feedback.

• Neutral feedback is a straightforward statement that gives youngsters information about what they are doing, for example, “You're urinating.” This kind of basic information is important for children who have always worn diapers and don't even realize when they are passing waste.

• Positive feedback informs students about what they are doing correctly so they know to repeat it, for example, “Good! You're urinating in the potty!”

• Negative feedback tells them what they are doing wrong, as in “Oh, no! You're urinating in your pants!” If you do give negative feedback, be sure to tell your child how to correct the mistake: “Oh no! You're urinating in your pants! You need to do that in the potty!”

Some toddlers are bolder and more confident than others. They may not learn anything from negative feedback, but they aren't especially daunted by it, either. Other children are far more sensitive. Even a hint that they are doing something wrong destroys their confidence, and they give up. They need lots of positive feedback to stay motivated!

Warm Fuzzies and Cold Pricklies

If a mother instructs a child to sit on the potty and the child stays there for two seconds before jumping up, the parent has a choice. She can give neutral feedback by describing exactly what the child did, “You sat on the potty and then you stood up.” She can give negative feedback to let him know he blew it, “No! Come back here. I told you to sit down!” This can confuse and overwhelm the child who in fact followed the directions by sitting, if only very briefly. Another option is to give positive feedback to let the child know he succeeded: “Great job! You sat on the potty!”

Giving positive feedback has been likened to handing out warm fuzzies because acknowledging a child's accomplishments is a wonderful gift. Giving negative feedback has been likened to bestowing cold pricklies because a child feels criticized. When parents focus on a child's errors, mistakes, and omissions, the child may become convinced that, try as she might, she can't get things right. Many children stop listening altogether and tune their parents out to the point that some worry that their youngsters have hearing problems. Other children adopt an I-don't-care attitude to defend against repeated blows to their egos. If your child seems never to listen to you, the problem may be that he has listened too well and taken your many negative comments too much to heart!

If your child doesn't even attempt to sit on the potty when instructed, set him up to succeed and then give positive feedback instead of criticizing. For instance, place a Teddy bear on the potty and praise it. Ask your child to pat the bear's head, and praise your child if he does by saying, “Yes! Teddy likes that!”

Praise and Pressure

Praise is a type of positive feedback that communicates, “I am proud that you did that.” Praise can help children feel good about themselves, build confidence, and motivate them to repeat certain behaviors. However, when toddlers are grappling with independence issues, they sometimes feel compelled to do the exact opposite of what parents want. They may take strong exception to praise. Instead of gushing, “You used the potty! Mommy's so proud of you” offhand comments such as, “Aren't you proud of yourself?” or “You should be proud” can be more effective.