Tod was exceptionally easy to potty train, but Jenna soon discovered how very difficult this process can be when a child isn't ready.

Jenna expected her youngest son to be even easier to potty train. Jacob idolized his big brother and liked to do whatever Tod did. By the time he was twenty months old Jacob would occasionally follow Tod into the bathroom and urinate in the regular toilet alongside him. When she was seven months pregnant with her third child, Jenna felt it important to have Jacob potty trained before the next baby arrived. Things started to bog down almost immediately.

The “Trained” Parent

If Jenna caught Jacob at the right moment and took him to the toilet, he would use it. But try as she might, she couldn't get him to tell her when he needed to go. That meant several accidents each day. She tried incentives and rewards, storybooks and stickers, but nothing sparked his interest.

One day when Jenna heard him grunting, she swooped him up despite his protests and ran him to the bathroom. He held it in until she let him get off the potty. A few minutes later he messed in his pants. “You're supposed to go in the potty!” she said sharply. Jacob looked repentant, but the next time she tried to take him to the bathroom, he threw a tantrum. She ended up sending him to time-out, and he messed in his pants.

Jenna tried to remain calm when Jacob refused to go near the potty over the next weeks, but she was tired of diapers and her advanced pregnancy was making her cranky. She began putting him on the potty at regular intervals, entertaining him by reading books and singing songs about potties. Sometimes he urinated during that time. More often he wet his pants shortly afterward.

Constipation became an increasingly serious problem. Jacob would go for days without having a bowel movement, then scream in pain when he tried. The pediatrician prescribed enemas and laxatives to relieve the hard, painful bowel movements, but they didn't cure the bigger problem. It got to the point that when Jenna so much as mentioned the potty, Jacob would cloak himself in silence, refusing to respond to her inquiries, explanations, and entreaties.

Jacob was still in diapers when he started kindergarten. If he was upset about being teased, he kept his feelings to himself. The chronic soiling and frequent wetting continued.

Finally Jenna determined that she had done everything in her power to help him. She placed the ball squarely in Jacob's court, trusting that sooner or later he'd pick it up and run with it. Six months went by before he did.

Ending Power Struggles

Jenna learned the hard way that when a parent and child end up in power struggles over the potty, the child wins every time, and that means that everyone loses. The bottom line is that children's bodies are their own. A child's elimination is an intimate matter, and beyond anyone else's control.

Jacob's early imitation of his big brother had convinced Jenna that he was ready to be fully trained, but occasionally following a big brother into the bathroom for fun is one thing; going to the potty when there are other, more interesting things to do is quite another. Jacob might have been physically ready, but he wasn't emotionally ready to handle so much responsibility. Jenna's advanced pregnancy sapped the energy and patience she needed to give the project her all.

Jacob's resistance hardened in the face of the pressure Jenna placed on him to perform. Soon he was in too much turmoil to hear the signals his own body was sending him, hazed as his mind was by anxiety. Even after his mother backed off, he needed time to heal emotionally before he could move forward.

Jenna's advice to other parents is as emphatic as it is sound. “If your child isn't ready, back off!” However, Jenna would have been wise to add the following bit of advice to parents. “If you find yourself in over your head, back off!”

Know When to Stop

It makes no sense to keep battling to get a car up a hill when the engine has stalled and you don't know what's wrong or how to fix it. If you lift the hood and begin pounding the engine with a hammer, you will do more harm than good. Doggedly turning the starter will probably only drain your car's battery. Pushing the car uphill requires a Herculean effort that is unlikely to solve anything anyway. In such a situation, you need to contain yourself and refrain from reacting until you can think clearly and decide how best to proceed. In the meantime, it's always possible to go back to walking. However loath you may be to do so, that action may require less energy in the long run. In the case of potty training, that means putting the project on hold and returning to diapers for a month or two.