Most toddlers are not very verbal, and even if they are, they don't necessarily process information well by talking. However, some children do respond well to sit-down conversations. In the interest of moving potty training forward, it's certainly worth a try.

“Please!”

After age three, most youngsters develop the charming characteristic of being able to consider other people's perspectives and points of view. They may pick wildflower bouquets to give as presents, make pictures for parents' refrigerators, or cheer up friends who are feeling sad. In other words, they may be willing to do you a favor. Try saying, “Mommy doesn't like accidents. She doesn't like doing all that laundry. Please go to the potty, OK? That would be such a nice present for me!”

Of course, most toddlers know Mommy is supposed to take care of them; they are not supposed to have to take care of Mommy. Still, give it a shot. Just don't take a negative answer personally. It's not you, it's not them; it's the age.

Mom's Method

If you are limping along with intermittent accidents because your child is too busy to be bothered going to the potty, try having what my own mother called “the conversation.” “In this house, we all use the potty. That includes you. Sonnas do not make these kinds of messes! Do you understand?” (Pause for effect.) “Do I need to remind you or will you just go?” Regardless of the answer, the next time baby brother looked like he needed to go, she would say, “Remember! In this house, we all use the potty. Sonnas do not make messes!” All of her “Sonnas do this” and “Sonnas don't do that” lines, used on important occasions, had already instilled a sense of family pride. The Conversation worked.

If it hadn't, she would have followed up with, “I guess you do need me to remind you since you can't remember that Sonnas do not wet their clothes. You may wear diapers when the baby sitter is here, but when you're with me, you will use the potty like the rest of the family.” And then there would have been once-an-hour potty practices during which he either used it right away or sat for a minute or two to “think about why Sonnas use the potty instead of making messes.” She was that kind of mom.

Parents as Counselors

When potty training seems hopelessly stalled, sometimes a brief counseling session can help. When your child is calm, find a private place for a quiet talk. Look your youngster in the eye and probe her negative feelings about the potty by saying, “You don't like to use the potty, do you?”

Then pause. Make it a long one. Maybe you will get a small shake of the head or nod. Maybe you will only see a tense expression, notice a quick subject change, or observe misbehavior meant to distract you. Do not be distracted. Instead, gently ask, “Honey, why don't you like to go to the potty?”

Give your child time to think, but do not expect her to answer. She probably doesn't know, and she probably couldn't tell you even if she did. Hopefully, your question will encourage her to ponder the matter. Once she can identify the problem, she will have taken the first step to solving it.

Start to wind down your little session by providing reassurance: “Going to the potty may seem hard right now, but it will get easier for you in time.” Your words may be incomprehensible, but your reassuring tone will communicate that you are on her side.

After your words (or tone) have had time to sink in, offer anything you can think of to help her:

• “Would you like to go back to diapers for a while?” (if she has not been wearing them)

• “Would it help if I told you when to go to the potty?” (if you have been letting her decide on her own)

• “Would it help if I gave you a surprise every time you used the potty?” (if she is not already receiving rewards)

Again, do not expect a response, but if you get one, treat her comments with deep respect. If you do not come up with any workable solutions or new things to try, conclude with, “If Mama can help you with the potty, let me know,” and give her a reassuring hug and a kiss. If nothing else, this gesture should help to defuse power struggles.

Do not be surprised if a day or a week later your child suddenly reveals something that helps to explain at least part of the problem. She may say you should put diapers on her instead of on her little brother, which may mean she wishes she could be the baby again instead of a big girl who has to cope with potties. She may suddenly get upset because she wants her B.M. back after it has been flushed away, effectively letting you know that it bothers her when it disappears down the drain. She may suddenly dissolve into tears when you suggest she put aside her toys to use the bathroom, letting you know how she longs for the more carefree days when she didn't have to worry about accidents all the time. One boy finally revealed his toddler fear when he suddenly announced that the “spiders could bite me.”

Comfort your child, sympathize with her plight, and reassure her that she is still your baby. Continue your usual potty routines and requirements, but try not to push her to grow up too fast. To the extent that it's possible, let her be what she is: a baby in oh-so-many ways.