A power struggle does not mean that a little one is purposely trying to upset his parents. He's not consciously thinking, “I'll show Mom that she can't make me do this! I'll mess in my pants just to upset her!” Rather, the struggle is unconscious. Often children avoid all thoughts about the potty because it is a source of tension, parental anger, and personal defeat. When forced to sit on the potty, they don't know how to push to initiate bladder contractions to expel urine or how to relax the sphincter muscles to release stool. The minute another miserable potty session has ended and they put the whole matter out of their minds, they relax, and suddenly the urine and/or stool begins to flow. If they get in trouble for having another accident, they will be even more tense the next time they're taken to the potty. A vicious cycle develops, and the problem gets worse and worse.

The most effective solution for parents is to handle accidents calmly. Avoid reproaching your child but insist that he participate by changing his clothes and helping with cleanup. Until he is ready to comply, assign a time-out. That way, if you are convinced he is wetting and soiling “just to get you,” he will soon lose his motivation to wet and soil if you don't get upset.

Tough Love

By age three children should be able to participate actively in cleaning up accidents, and there are compelling reasons for them to do so if they are destroying the carpet, generating tons of laundry, and making no effort to use the potty. It may be difficult not to be angry, but it is very important that you aren't. Your role is to teach, and there are merits to teaching them responsibility and how to help clean up.

Put a step stool by the washer and show your child how to put the dirty clothes in, push the button, and lower the lid. Supervise carefully throughout this process. Store detergent and cleaning solvents where your child can't reach them, and add them to the laundry yourself. Do not ever let your child touch these poisons! Afterward, have him help transfer the clothes to the dryer and push the button. Then have him put the clean clothes in the clothesbasket. He can work on his colors and shapes and sizes while learning to match socks (great for cognitive development) while you fold and separate. Then, help him put the clothes away in drawers he can reach so he can change himself with as little help as possible.

As you will soon discover, making your child help clean up is not abusive. On the contrary, he will probably be having so much fun that your desire to make him suffer as much as you are will be thwarted. Might he want to have another accident just so he can do all that great laundry stuff again? Probably. Find more laundry he can help with, but do not try to ruin his fun. Potty training will end in a month or a year — his laundry skills can make your life easier for the next two decades. Grin and bear it until the novelty wears off. When it does — and it will — he will be more motivated not to have accidents.

A String around the Finger

If you have tried everything you can think of and your child keeps forgetting to go to the potty, perhaps having her go about bare-bottomed can help her remember. Turn up the thermostat, tell her not to have an accident, and remind her to use the potty when it looks like she might need to. Like tying a string around a finger, the unusual sensation of having nothing on her bottom may help her remember. Girls can go naked under a dress; it might work for a boy to wear pants without underwear. If an accident happens, do not admonish or punish. Just start teaching your child how to help with cleanup.

When he is holding himself or looks like he needs to use the potty, ask if he wants to go to the potty or wants you to bring it to him. Sometimes offering a choice instead of telling toddlers what to do works better. If he declines both, tell him if he has an accident he will have to put away his toys until he helps clean up and changes his clothes. If he does have an accident, be true to your word!

If your child continues to have accidents, then it's time to teach some basic janitorial skills.

A Fast Solution

Read the method for practicing after accidents that is used in the fast-track method (see Chapter 6). Toddlers do not like these rigorous sessions, but they will definitely learn to get to the bathroom from any location in the house lickety-split.

Oops!

Cheer up your little overachiever by reassuring her that eventually she will remember to listen to her body when it announces that it is time for her urine to come out. Until then, accidents will happen. They are not the end of the world! Teach her to say, “Oops!” and learn that there is a way to fix every problem using the problem-solving strategies explained in Chapter 2.