Men and women often deal with the stresses of parenting differently. While you may be worrying about feeding and caring for your baby properly, chances are good that your partner is dealing with another list of fears. With a lot of your attention being focused on the baby, for example, he may be feeling left out or ignored. He may also be worrying about practical matters like money and balancing work with family time.

Money

There's a good chance your spouse is worried about finances: how much parenthood will cost, and if you'll be able to get by financially. This can be compounded if you don't plan to return to work right away or will be staying at home for the foreseeable future. Money is one of the largest stressors in a marriage, so it's important to make sure you're on the same page. Try to ease his fears by sitting down and planning out your finances on paper. Have a plan; if not working will put you in debt or if you'll have to use some of your savings, show how the two of you can make up for it in other ways. Also, encourage your husband to be realistic about how much babies cost — figures like $100,000 per child get thrown around a lot, but there are lifestyle choices you can make like breastfeeding, thrift-store shopping, and cloth diapering that can save money and lower that estimate considerably.

Sometimes at-home mothers feel guilty, like they're spending their partner's money. They may have a hard time asking for money for things they want or even things the family needs. Keep in mind that your partner's earnings aren't his money — the money is there to support your whole family. You are doing an important job by caring for your baby — that's your contribution to the family. Regardless of whose name is on the paycheck, you and your partner have an equal say in what happens to your family's income, and should be making financial decisions together.

If you and your partner are having financial disagreements, it might be helpful to sit down and make a list of financial and life goals. Maybe your misunderstandings are being caused by differing ideas about what role money should play in your family's life. Understanding each other's values will help you compromise.

Being Left Out

Many new dads worry that once the baby comes, you won't have any time left for him. It's true that in the early days postpartum, your relationship with your baby takes center stage, and that can be worrisome to your partner if he thinks he'll be the third wheel from here on out. Find ways to involve him with your baby's care from day one. Feeding isn't everything — if you're nursing, he can still rock the baby to sleep, take care of diaper changes, and give the baby his bath. And if you get your baby used to Daddy putting him to sleep early on, that job won't always have to fall to you in the future. In the early weeks, you may have a hard time doing much besides feeding your baby, but you can still find time to chat with your husband about his day or watch a favorite TV program together. And as your baby gets older and caring for him is a little less intense, be sure to add back some of the things you and your partner did together before the baby was born. You can still go to dinner or take a long walk together, even if you do have a small sidekick with you.

Loss of Freedom

Weekend trips with the guys, grabbing a beer on the way home from work … yes, for a new dad, these are probably off the agenda — at least for a while. But your partner may worry that his days of after-hours fun are over now that you've got a baby. While it's true that being a dad means making sacrifices, parenthood doesn't have to mean an end to independent fun forever — for either one of you.

No More Sex?

Your partner is probably worried about what the baby is going to mean for your sex life. And the harsh truth is that your sex life will be different from what it was like before you had a baby.

But you can help put your partner's mind at ease by letting him know that, even though you may be feeling less-than-sexy for the next few months, you don't anticipate a life of celibacy. See Chapter 16 for tips on keeping your sex life afloat while you've got a new baby.

Being a Good Dad

Unless your partner was raised the oldest of a slew of siblings, he may not have had an opportunity to learn about caring for babies. While teenage girls are often indoctrinated in baby care through babysitting and instruction from older women, adults don't always think to pass those skills on to boys.

If your partner is intimidated by your baby, the best way to help him feel more comfortable is by letting him care for the baby. Don't interfere or “help” unless he asks for it — in fact, to avoid giving him performance anxiety, it might be best to hand the baby over and go take a nap or a bubble bath. With time and opportunity, your partner will become confident in his skills and more willing to take over for you for longer periods of time.

Balancing a Job and a Family

If your partner's job keeps him at the office for long hours or if he travels a lot, he may be worried that he won't be able to be there to watch his baby grow. Nowadays, it's becoming more and more common for dads to leave high-pressure jobs with long hours to pursue something more family friendly.

It can be hard to break free of those pesky traditional gender roles, but keep your husband's feelings and needs in mind. If he wants to leave a high-paying job for something a little less lucrative and you're worried how that might affect your lifestyle, ask yourself this question: how would you want your partner to react if you wanted to take a less-stressful job that would allow you to spend more time with your baby?