Postpartum Care after a Loss
Some women must recover from childbirth after losing the baby they were carrying to stillbirth or death in the early newborn period. Some mothers give their babies up for adoption at birth. Either situation can bring with it a confusing period of physical recovery as your body adjusts to not having a baby to care for.
If Your Baby Has Died
It's normal to experience grief, anger, and even rage after the loss of a baby you have carried. Here are things some mothers who have lost babies at or soon after birth sometimes find helpful:
If possible, hold your baby, preferably in private. You may treasure that memory later.
If you have access to the placenta you and your baby shared, you can take it home and bury it somewhere in your yard or another special place. This can give you a private place at home to remember your baby.
Take a picture of your baby, or of you or your partner holding your baby. When you're feeling up to it, you can create a scrapbook of memories from your pregnancy, birth, and any time you might have had with your baby while she was alive or after she died.
Keep items that can help you remember your baby — her hospital bracelet, a onesie, booties, etc.
Seek Out Support
Many mothers who have lost their babies find it very helpful to find others who've been through similar heartbreaks. Visit
Your Emotions
Responses to the loss of a baby can vary from turning quietly inward to crying and screaming in the shower. You may feel guilty or wonder what you could have done differently that would have let your baby live. Many mothers who lose their babies find themselves angry with God, their caregivers, or their partners. An intense emotional response to as huge a loss as a baby's death is normal, but if you start to feel hopeless or are unable to care for yourself or other children, tell your care provider or consult a therapist. If you feel like your family would be better off without you, or begin thinking about or considering suicide, call a suicide prevention hotline immediately:1-800-273-TALK.
Your Partner
Be aware, too, that you and your partner may grieve very differently and you may have a hard time understanding one another's mourning process. Counseling may help the two of you communicate and work through your grief together. You may also want to consider getting counseling when you are considering getting pregnant again, since future pregnancies may be a very anxious time for you.
If Your Baby Was Adopted
If you've given your baby up for adoption, you may be feeling a huge range of emotions from sadness and anger to regret, and from guilt to relief. Some mothers who've given up their babies for adoption try to disconnect from the fact that they were ever pregnant, but your body won't let you forget — your milk will still come in, you'll be sore and weak, and it will take some time to recover. Allow yourself to experience the feelings that come up, and seek out support from other mothers who've given their babies up for adoption. Some good resources on the Web include
Stopping Milk Production
When a woman's baby has died or been given up for adoption, the arrival of her milk on day three or so postpartum can act as a cruel reminder of what she has lost. To help your milk dry up, wear a snug-fitting bra or bind your breasts with elastic bandages (not too tightly) in the days after giving birth. You can place cabbage leaves with the veins lightly crushed inside your bra to help relieve engorgement. Replace the leaves when they wilt or become wet. Ice or cold packs and Tylenol or Motrin may also help with swelling and pain.
Remember, even though your baby couldn't come home with you, you are still a mother. You have given birth to a baby, and your body is creating the hormones that go along with motherhood. Be gentle with yourself and allow plenty of time for rest and relaxation as you recover, emotionally and physically, from your birth and loss.
