Lack of Desire
When you're caring for a new baby all day and much of the night, chances are good that there will be times you'd rather sleep, take a bath, or do pretty much anything other than have sex. There are a few reasons for this reduced sex drive:
You may be sleep deprived, which can make sex sound exhausting rather than fun. Not to mention, it might cut into available nap time.
The hormonal changes that come with suppressed ovulation, postpartum fluctuations, and nursing can also cause a low libido.
Many women simply feel “touched-out” by the end of a day of snuggling and caring for a new baby, and don't particularly want that much physical contact with another person.
It's also been suggested that lower sexual desire is nature's way of making sure new moms don't get pregnant again too quickly.
You may feel frustrated by the time constraints that having a baby in the house may put on your sex life.
Whatever the reasons, while motherhood doesn't make you a less sexual being, it can temporarily dampen your desires. By accepting that your sex life will probably be different than it was prebaby and coming up with creative ways to stay intimate, you and your partner can make sure both your needs are met.
Keep It Short
If you don't feel like you'll have the energy for a lengthy sexual encounter, be honest with your partner. He may feel like he has to perform by having sex for hours, when you'd prefer a shorter session. Chances are your partner would gladly choose a passionate quickie over no sex at all. Don't worry that he'll be offended if you'd rather not make it an all-nighter. Just be honest — tell him that you would like to have sex, but are also very tired and don't know if you have the energy for a long session. If you keep the lines of communication open, you can find a way to meet both your needs without either partner feeling shoved aside or pressured.
Accept the Changes
You and your husband or partner may have to adjust your expectations about how often you'll be having sex when your baby is very young. Don't feel like you have to match the intensity of your prebaby love life or meet some arbitrary goal for how much sex you should be having. Less-frequent sex is only a problem if one of you is dissatisfied with how much you're getting. If you're hoping for sex once a month while he was thinking five times a week would be great, you may have to do some compromising.
Keep Communicating
For many men, physical closeness is essential to feeling loved. You'll want to be sure your husband or partner doesn't feel like the baby has replaced him in your life, and find ways to help meet his needs. On the other hand, it's important for your partner to understand where you're coming from and not pressure you into sex before you're ready or expect you to be willing whenever he's in the mood.
Essential
If your partner's sexual expectations of you are more than you feel up to filling, sit down and have a talk with him. Make sure he understands that it's not that you don't find him attractive or that you love the baby more, but that you're tired and having a hard time getting in the mood to have sex right now.
You may want to stress that the easier he can make things for you around the house, the more likely that you'll have the energy and be in the frame of mind for sex. You don't want sex to turn into a bargaining chip — “I've done the dishes, now you're obligated to get busy!” — but it can be useful for your husband to understand that not getting sleep, caring for a baby 24/7, and doing housework all sap your energy.
Your partner may find that the more he pitches in directly correlates to how much desire you can muster up when the time comes. For more information on communicating with your partner about sex, intimacy, housework, and more, see Chapter 18.
Make Time for You
It's also very important that you get regular time alone to recharge your batteries. It's unreasonable for you to expect yourself to be on call 24/7 as a mother, and also find the mental and physical energy for feeling sexy. For many women it takes stepping out of one role for a moment before they can step into the other.
Essential
Sex toys like vibrators can add a level of newness and excitement during a time when you may need to kick things up a notch to locate your libido. They can also be an efficient way to get you in the mood or bring you to orgasm quickly if you're short on time before the baby wakes up.
Give Yourself Prep Time
Since so much of a woman's experience of sex is in her head, it's very possible to go from 0 to 60 if you put yourself in the right frame of mind. If you have a hard time getting in the mood, let your partner put the baby to sleep while you take a bath or enjoy a glass of wine. Some women find that erotic material like books, magazine stories, or movies bring them out of their “mommy mind” and bring out the sexual side that's snoozing beneath the surface.
Let Him Convince You
Some women find that, even if they don't feel like having sex initially, a little convincing can sometimes get them in the mood. But that shouldn't translate into pressure for you. Let your husband know that you enjoy spending time kissing and being together, and that it may or may not lead to sex down the road. Either way, you'll have gotten the benefit of being physically close. If you still really aren't in the mood to make love, maybe you can find another way to satisfy your partner through oral sex or mutual masturbation. It's not necessarily the intercourse that's important here — it's showing affection and expressing love through physical intimacy that can be so important to both you and your partner, and you may be able to find a variety of ways to satisfy him sexually even when you aren't up for intercourse. If you just don't have the energy for sex or don't find it pleasurable yet, think of other ways to express the intimacy that can keep you close as lovers now that you are also co-parents.
Take Charge
Don't always wait for your husband or partner to initiate. If you feel like he's coming to you for sex all the time and you're always putting him off or pushing him away, he may soon begin to feel ignored, and you may feel put-upon — especially if he tends to want to have sex at the same time that you're thinking about sleep. Instead, find a time of day when you have more energy, and surprise him by initiating romance. You may find that you're more in the mood when you thought of it first, and he won't have to feel like he's always bugging you for sex.
When He's Not in the Mood
Some women find that their husbands don't want to have sex as much as they do when the baby is small. Not all men want to have sex all the time — your partner may be just as tired as you are, or he may be anxious about caring for a baby or providing for his family, making it hard for him to think about sex. If your husband doesn't want to be intimate with you at all, talk to him about it and see if you can get to the root of the problem.
Alert
While fluctuations in libido can be normal, a complete lack of sex drive in a man could indicate a physical or emotional issue that you might need to address, especially if he once had a high sex drive and things changed suddenly.
Better Than Before
Some women find that their sex life improves after having a baby. For some women, the process of pregnancy and birth empowers them and helps them feel more in touch with their sensual and sexual side. Others find that the changes to their bodies make sex more enjoyable or that they are better able to have orgasms. If you aren't having a great time with sex right away, remember that your body is still going through many changes. You may find that a few months or a year down the road, your sex life will be better than ever.
