Consent is a compromise for parents. Mostly you get consent, but in some areas of the child's life, for some periods of time, you will not. Usually, if you will hang in there regarding the issue that's causing problems, being steadfast and not overreacting, your insistence will wear down the child's resistance over time. “There's no point in fighting my parents on something when I know they mean business, are not going to change their minds, and are not going to back off.”

In times when your child doesn't give you consent right away, but rather delays doing what you asked him to do, you may, at first, feel frustrated. However, remember that resistance in families is often a double standard. You may believe it's okay for you but not for your child. Your child asks you for something right away and you say, “Not now, later,” resisting because you've had a long day, are feeling tired, or are otherwise occupied. Your delay seems reasonable to you.

But when you ask your child for something right away and in words or actions she communicates, “Not now, later,” that resistance doesn't seem okay because it denies you, the parent, what you want when you want it. Your expectation is that your child will give you immediate attention out of respect for your parental authority.

And by the same right of authority, when the tables are turned and you don't want to respond immediately to something your child wants, you believe your delay is justified because of your child's subordinate position in the family. To encourage your son or daughter to comply with your requests more quickly, however, sometimes you should practice more timely compliance with his or her requests, even when your first instinct is to delay.

Delay is always dismissive. When a person doesn't respond right away (whether it is the parent or child who is delaying), it says to the other person, “Your request matters more to you than responding to it means to me right now.” Putting off someone's request can cause that person to feel unimportant, unless the delay is accompanied by a commitment.

Thus, when you have to delay responding to a request by your child, it is often helpful to say, “Not now, but definitely later,” and give a specific time when “later” will occur (for example, “after I finish my phone call”). You can use the same strategy when your child wants to delay responding to your requests. “If not right now, then you tell me exactly when.” Then hold your child to the time agreed. Delaying a response and then never following up is really just a refusal in disguise.