From the beginning, an only child (who has only his parents for social company at home) is subject to peer pressure from parents that, in most cases, they aren't even aware they are exerting. The law of peer pressure is the same everywhere: conform to belong.

Espousing the ruling norms of a group allows an individual member of that group to fit in, get along, and become a member in good standing. So the only child adjusts to parental ways, accepts parental terms, imitates parental actions, and acquires parental beliefs in order to be in good favor. In response, parental acceptance and approval is given.

A common example of similarity to parents is the only child's becoming schooled in “grown-up” behaviors at an early age, developing precocious verbal and social skills that can set him apart from other children his age.

“It's like having a third adult in the house,” parents proudly declare when describing how their eight-year-old can comfortably socialize with their friends. And that statement of pride feels rewarding to the child, affirming that he has done well by acting so much like them.

To avoid intensifying parental peer pressure when you discipline, you can avoid certain behaviors that can make inevitable discipline harder to bear.

• Don't push for similarity to parents too strongly or praise it too highly.

• Don't make similarity to parents a condition for receiving approval.

• Don't treat infractions with disapproval, just with disagreement.

• Don't blame the child's misbehavior on being “different” from parents.

• Don't use isolation or exclusion from parents as a punishment.