Most parents of an only child are not well prepared for their child's transformation into a more private, self-centered, critical, resistant, conflict-prone, limit-testing person at adolescence, who begins to prefer the company of friends to that of parents. Inexplicably and unpredictably cut off, parents can feel rejected, abandoned, lonely, angry, scared, or out of control.

Come their only child's adolescence, parents who already feel disconnected and out of favor often have to assert more corrective discipline than they have ever had to assert before, and the child does not appreciate this attention.

Changes in Adolescence

In adolescence, the only child — who was encouraged from an early age to be assertive and self-directed, to act adult, to be independent, and to speak his or her mind — becomes more powerfully resistant than parents often expected and can immediately handle. Consequently, they may feel overwhelmed by this period of their child's life.

Now they have to strengthen the stands they take as parents and face the displeasure of their child for doing so. In the process of assuming this hard responsibility, they can experience a tremendous sense of loss. Parents sorely miss the old closeness, mutual enjoyment, and uninterrupted harmony between them and their only child. “What's wrong?” they wonder. Nothing. Their beloved child has just become a difficult adolescent.

Although most only children tend to be conservative when it comes to dangerous risk taking, they still have a lot of growing to do in adolescence. To some degree, this part of their development requires them to push against and pull away from parents, to separate from childhood, to experiment with becoming different, and to begin claiming more social independence from family.

Common Fears

This “falling away of the only child” in adolescence can be very painful and scary for both the parents and the child. For the parents, it usually comes as a surprise. Since their child had previously followed a path they understood, approved of, and supported, they rarely, if ever, had a reason to correct or restrain the child.

But now the child may let high grades fall from lack of effort, may object more to helping around the house, may let new friends lead him astray, and parental attempts to communicate with him may often yield outbursts of anger or sullen silence.

For the child, claiming this rebellious independence is expensive. There are a number of common fears that trouble the only child in adolescence.

• If she pushes her parents too hard in conflict, she might be pushing away their love.

• If she pulls too far away socially from parents, there may be no getting back to the old closeness they once had.

• By expressing individuality that was not there in childhood, she may be risking rejection or at least disapproval by her parents.

• Rebelling against her own interests for independence may harm the future he or she had been working for.

On the reassuring side, remember that when your only child falls away in adolescence, he or she usually does not fall very far into dangerous experimentation or social disobedience. Most only children fall away just far enough to let their “bad” side out to claim necessary independence from childhood, but not so far that they fall into serious trouble.

Usually, your momentary losses of the old childhood relationship are less traumatic than the losses that your child fears — loss of loving standing in parental eyes, and loss of standing in his or her own.

Your Role as Parent

So what are you to do? Gently and firmly, you have to keep providing instructional and corrective discipline so your adolescent always has a clear and open choice to return to a productive path after some episode of falling away has taken place. This must be done non-critically and with love.

Once again, non-evaluative correction is essential. “We disagree with the choice you made not to finish your project. But that was your choice. However, we still expect that you will get it done, now having to do it this weekend and hand it in late for a lower grade. As always, we believe you have everything it takes to perform the way you want in school. Our discipline in this matter is only intended to show you our support.”

What can you say to your only child when he is poised on the threshold of adolescence? Perhaps, something like this: “We are about to enter a time when we will grow more apart, when there are going to be more disagreements between us, and that's very common in adolescence. As parents, we are sometimes going to take stands for your best interests against what you want, and you will not agree with our decision. As our child, you are sometimes going to do what you believe is called for in a world of friends you best understand, and we will not agree with your decision. We just need to handle these disagreements in safe and constructive ways, and still enjoy enough times together for us to stay mindful of the love we have for each other.”