You also need to check on the child when he or she is away from home. If he thinks he can escape your supervision when he's away from you, you let him know that that is not the case. “I hate it when you chase me down,” complains the child. “I can't go anywhere without knowing for sure you won't show up.”

“That's right,” you agree. “I don't much like doing it either, but I expect you to keep our agreements about where you go and when you're coming back. If you don't, then like you say, I'm coming after you. You decide to hang around the playground and not come in when we agreed? Then I'm coming to the playground to bring you home. If that's what it takes for you to know I'm serious, then you can look for me whenever you decide that it's okay to come home later than the time we set.”

Surveillance demonstrates to the child that parents are willing to invade the child's world for good behavior's sake. Parents are willing to vote with their actions to show they mean what they say. It doesn't feel too cool to be busted in front of friends by parents who were willing and able to check up on you by tracking you down. Good parents never give up.

Overnights

One common challenge for supervisory surveillance is checking on the child spending the night at a friend's. The early adolescent wants to be able to make his or her own social engagements and resents parents checking with host parents to see if these arrangements are as okay as they have been told. “You don't have to call his parents and check. I told you it's okay with them if I spend the night. Are you trying to embarrass me?” No, you are trying to make sure adequate adult supervision is in place.

After all, you know about the temptations of forbidden freedom in early and mid-adolescence. There can be a lot of temptation for your child to lie about where she's going and then sneak out with her friends to do something that you would not have given permission for. By checking on overnight arrangements, you can prevent two kinds of end runs.

A “single end run” is when your child goes over to a friend's house overnight and they both sneak out from there. A “double end run” is when two children tell respective parents they are each going to spend the night at the other child's house, and then both children do neither and take off for a night of forbidden adventure.

If your child insists on sneaking out after hours from your own home or running off, you need to create hot pursuit. If you think you know where the child might be hanging out, go after the child. If you think a child's friend might know, call that friend and ask to be told (promise not to tell your child how you found out).

If you have no idea where the child might be, call the police and report a runaway. In many cases police will be able to find and return the child to you. All these acts of surveillance let the wandering child know that freedom not responsibly earned will be freedom denied.

Electronic Surveillance

Many parents take advantage of the technology of cell phones, pagers, and instant messaging devices, using them to keep watch on their child. In fact, some children will complain, “You only gave me the cell phone to keep up with where I am!”

“That's right,” reply the parents. “We expect you to keep the cell phone with you at all times partly so you can call us if you have need, and partly so we can check in with you if we have need. Answering our calls whenever we call is one condition for allowing the freedom we give.” Parents use electronic pagers to the same effect.

Privacy Issues

What about your child's privacy? Privacy is a privilege, not a right. If your child is keeping you honestly and accurately informed, and is conducting life in a responsible manner, you allow privacy because you are being given grounds for trust. But if he is lying to you, breaking agreements, violating rules, and he's not explaining this behavior to you, then the child has forfeited any right to privacy. Now your invasive surveillance into the child's “private” world is justified. How can you help if you don't know what is going on?

So maybe you discover chat room data that outline plans for sneaking friends over when you are still at work and your child is supposedly safe at home, alone, after school. “You spied on my chat room?” Your child is outraged. So parents explain, “You cannot electronically communicate without leaving electronic tracks that we can trace if we feel you are not telling us all we need to know about what is going on.” Never give your child more online (Internet) freedom than you are prepared to supervise.